Angry beats of an angry song in my ears. Guitar strums of words so revolutionary that they feel jarring. They bleed the numbness away.

Life becomes an endless bus journey. Life is filled with such endless roads that lead to nowhere hearts, And unknown halls that breed dead trees; No Garden of Eden in sight.

This is God's hell where we abide!

Unseen faces pass by on both sides As I run dead center with blinders in my eyes. I try and fixate my sight on one of them, For a moment I turn my head. But before I can focus, it vanishes into chaos.

I stretch my hands out and it hurts as the fingers scrape walls that never fall, rebuilt over one another. And the bones crack as they collide with the railings racing past.

Yellow lights brighter than fireflies scorch my eyes. I stay awake at night and every now and then I hear the mad dog cry. The mad dog drives me mad and I know I should sympathize but I can't.

He's dying. I know he's dying.

But this is God's hell where we abide!

Where nothing we do makes it to those who need us, And nothing we say makes it to those who feed us.

Nothing's permanent. It all ends.

And we're doomed to watch us destroy ourselves.

Romeo touches the feet of his lover Juliet dies at war Her pristine white gown stains in crimson As she lies still on the grass with dark skies above

“She sleeps beautifully”, he declares And their unborn child sucks on watermelon seeds As the feet of the bride touches heaven Countless red rivers drain into seas

She prays her lover can see her once more Romeo downstairs laughs hysterically He's happy that her bride smiles in death He will always be proud of her bravery

Juliet lies very still among other bodies With a flower in her hand of which no petals remain Romeo in his dreams runs in a sea of poppies Towards his lover, in a land of no restrain

Where blue skies bleed into yellow fields Where sirens are unheard of Where children don't pick bomb shells at the beach Where white pigeons fly high above

I think it's happening again Staring at the sky until my eyes sting Sitting on the terrace until I catch a cold.

Hair tangled all over my face I didn't mean for this to happen. But they keep pushing me here I do not want to be here The mountains blackened Clouds chasing each other Sun set so low I can't catch a peak

I should leave soon But there's blood everywhere Too scared and too mesmerised to leave I want to set my heart on fire. Let it unlearn all this hatred And build a new heart from the things I learnt from you Adorn it with Spanish Jasmine.

Call for my friend and hang the fairy lights around it, books stack up high with walls around us. Maybe a cup of tea, for me and coffee for you. We'll sit and discuss to include more decoratives We'll make it so pretty that it will look Like it never was once bruised and battered.

But I can't do that yet I need space This house, with a huge hall. I don't have space here Not to breathe Not to cry Not to be.

I watched Moonlight Chicken, a Thai BL months ago and I've always wanted to write about the characters in the series but I guess I was too scared that I wouldn't be able to find the right and perfect words to describe so I never wrote. But here's a little attempt on finding them. These are mostly the little details i loved watching in the series.

When they're out and about at night without telling their parents & uncle. Li Ming teaches heart how to ride a motorcycle and he says I haven't felt like this in a long time. Heart and Li Ming are leaning on a rail. Li Ming comes closer. He smiles at Heart and they bump shoulders. Their legs brush.

They were lying on a bed before that and their legs brushed again. They're almost cuddling. But they're just friends.

Heart is mad that his parents aren't learning sign language for him even though it's been three years since he's gone deaf. He and his parents have a huge fight. He storms upstairs and Li Ming follows him. Heart is sobbing so badly that his entire face is wet. Li Ming hesitantly touches his knee. Heart leans his head on his shoulder, shuddering helplessly because I think he realizes for the first time how alone he's been in his life before Li Ming came into it. Li Ming says nothing. He hugs Heart. He just stays with him. Quietly. That's the intimacy I've always wanted in my life.

Later in episode 6, Li Ming brings Heart into his house. He takes it all in and looks at everything curiously as if to say “So this is his home”. He tries to talk for the first time when he sees their cat, Jimbo , I think. He says his name aloud and it comes out all scratchy. But Li Ming is beyond the moon. He stutters for a second and Heart watches amusingly. He's persuaded to talk again and he does again. Li Ming is giddy and hugs him and lifts him off the ground and Heart just keeps staring at him.

Li Ming includes Heart in most conversations by using sign language and talking simultaneously. He orders two Boba tea when he goes grocery shopping with his uncle and visits Heart. They both smile and drink tea while texting each other while sitting next to each other. Sometimes they do that even though they both know sign language.

On New Year’s, Li Ming does the countdown in sign language, screaming along with the numbers. They welcome the new year by holding hands and being each other's first kiss

All thanks to publisher, mentor, chosen mother and friend, Wree for talking on this matter that made me delve deeper into this

In our ever-evolving world, progress in understanding gender and sexual orientation has brought to light the interconnectedness between queerphobia and misogyny. The belief that these prejudices are distinct fails to recognize the deep-seated roots they share.

Introduction: Unveiling the Connection Between Queerphobia and Misogyny

This topic is definitely a departure from the vibes of ARTable where we focus on the science behind many artforms. However, there has been a lot of activity in this sector of social science recently. I wanted to use my platform to talk about this because it is more than just a discussion for me; it's a narrative that resonates deeply within my own life. To those who have followed my journey through these digital pages, it's no secret—I am queer. Specifically, I identify as non-binary, a declaration that encompasses my belief that the confines of gender roles are restrictive and limiting. For me, it means that my capabilities, ambitions, and domestic skills aren't defined by any societal expectations; I can effortlessly juggle multiple jobs, manage my livelihood, spoil my loved ones, and cook and clean just as proficiently as anyone else, irrespective of gender.

My journey, however, has not been without its challenges. Having navigated the world for the initial nineteen years of my life presenting as a woman, I am no stranger to the nuances and struggles tied to misogyny. The experiences of being perceived, judged, and sometimes diminished solely based on societal expectations of femininity are deeply ingrained in my story.

Additionally, my time being out and proud within the vibrant online LGBTQIA+ community since 2016 has exposed me to the harsh realities of queerphobia. I've witnessed the prejudice, the discrimination, and tragically, the loss of individuals from my chosen family—losses that were initially attributed to queerphobia. However, as I delve deeper into these unfortunate occurrences, I've begun to unravel a stark truth: what I presumed to be solely queerphobia was often nothing but misogyny cloaked in different attire.

Every passing year brings the heartache of losing someone from my community, and with each loss, I've come to the realization that beneath the facade of queerphobia lies the stark reality of misogyny.

This profound understanding has fueled my exploration into the interconnectedness of these prejudices, urging me to unravel the layers that intertwine queerphobia and misogyny. It's a journey of introspection, education, and advocacy—an endeavor to shed light on this intrinsic connection and pave the way for a more inclusive, empathetic, and equitable society.

Join me on this exploration as we uncover the hidden threads binding queerphobia and misogyny, and embark together towards a world where every individual can embrace their identity without fear or discrimination.

The Intersection of Queerphobia and Misogyny

Queerphobia, the prejudice against individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+, often mirrors the discrimination experienced by women. At its core, it stems from rigid societal gender norms and stereotypes. Misogyny, the hatred or prejudice against women, is frequently intertwined with the discrimination faced by individuals who identify as queer.

Reinforcement of Gender Roles:

Both queerphobia and misogyny find their roots in a society that rigidly enforces traditional gender roles. Women are often expected to conform to predetermined societal standards of behavior, appearance, and roles, failing which they are subjected to various forms of discrimination. Similarly, individuals within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum often face similar expectations to fit within societal norms related to gender and sexuality.

For instance, gay men might face ridicule for not adhering to stereotypical masculine behaviors, while lesbians may encounter discrimination for deviating from the traditional roles assigned to women. Transgender individuals challenge these gender norms even more significantly, experiencing discrimination and violence for not conforming to the gender assigned to them at birth. This rigid enforcement of gender roles perpetuates the idea that deviating from these norms is somehow wrong or inferior, leading to both queerphobia and misogyny.

Power Dynamics and Control:

Misogyny and queerphobia share a common foundation in power dynamics. At the core of both prejudices lies a desire for dominance and control over marginalized groups. This control aims to maintain existing power structures, often established by cisgender heterosexual men. Individuals or groups that deviate from these norms are seen as a threat to this established hierarchy, resulting in discrimination, oppression, and violence.

In both contexts, the control mechanisms differ but originate from the same patriarchal system. Misogyny operates to maintain male dominance over women, while queerphobia seeks to maintain heteronormativity by marginalizing LGBTQIA+ individuals. The fear of losing control over societal norms and structures perpetuates these prejudices, leading to the systematic oppression of both women and queer individuals.

Understanding these intertwined mechanisms is crucial to dismantling these prejudices. By challenging societal expectations of gender and power dynamics, we can pave the way for a more inclusive and equitable society—one that embraces diversity and rejects discrimination based on gender or sexual orientation.

Overlapping Prejudices

Challenging Gender Norms and Sexual Orientation:

The overlap between queerphobia and misogyny becomes starkly evident in the discrimination faced by lesbians. Their sexual orientation challenges the societal norms of heterosexual relationships, but it goes further. Lesbians, particularly feminine-presenting individuals, challenge traditional gender roles by engaging in same-sex relationships. As a result, they often experience compounded discrimination, facing backlash not just for their sexual orientation but also for defying conventional gender expectations.

Heightened Discrimination Against Transgender Individuals:

Transgender individuals encounter multifaceted discrimination due to their divergence from societal gender expectations. They challenge the very foundation of binary gender norms, and this challenge is met with substantial resistance. Transphobia, a form of queerphobia directed specifically at transgender individuals, often intersects with misogyny as these individuals might face discrimination and violence for not conforming to the gender assigned at birth.

These terms are crucial in understanding the nuances of discrimination faced by transgender individuals. Here's an explanation for each:

Transmisia:

Transmisia is a broad term used to describe the prejudice or discrimination against transgender individuals. It encompasses a range of negative attitudes, biases, and actions directed towards people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Transmisia includes societal beliefs, stereotypes, and systemic barriers that contribute to the marginalization and oppression of transgender individuals.

Transmisogyny:

Transmisogyny specifically refers to the intersection of transphobia and misogyny, targeting transgender women or individuals assigned male at birth who identify as female or feminine. It highlights the unique discrimination and oppression faced by transgender women, often stemming from both transphobic attitudes against their gender identity and misogynistic attitudes against their femininity.

Transmisogyny encompasses the specific experiences of discrimination faced by transgender women, including societal marginalization, violence, exclusion, and the denial of basic rights, all rooted in a combination of transphobia and misogyny.

Transphobia:

Transphobia is a more general term describing the fear, hatred, or discrimination against transgender or gender-nonconforming individuals. It encompasses a wide range of negative attitudes, behaviors, and systemic prejudices directed towards people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Transphobia can manifest in various forms, including verbal abuse, physical violence, denial of rights, and social exclusion.

Understanding these terms is crucial in recognizing the specific challenges and discrimination faced by transgender individuals, particularly transgender women who experience transmisogyny—prejudices compounded by both transphobia and misogyny. Addressing and challenging these prejudices is essential in creating a more inclusive and supportive society for all gender identities.

Impact on Mental Health:

The compounded effects of facing discrimination from both queerphobia and misogyny significantly impact the mental health of individuals within these marginalized groups. Research consistently shows higher rates of anxiety, depression, and trauma among LGBTQIA+ individuals, particularly those who identify as women or feminine-presenting.

The constant exposure to discrimination, societal rejection, and prejudice takes a toll on mental well-being. The fear of being ostracized or facing violence solely based on one's gender identity or sexual orientation leads to heightened stress levels and emotional distress. The lack of acceptance, understanding, and support exacerbates these mental health challenges, often leading to severe consequences, including higher rates of suicide and self-harm within the LGBTQIA+ community.

Addressing the mental health impact of intersecting queerphobia and misogyny necessitates creating safe spaces, providing adequate support systems, and fostering acceptance and inclusivity. Offering access to mental health resources specifically tailored to the unique challenges faced by individuals dealing with these intersecting prejudices is crucial in mitigating the adverse effects on their mental well-being.

Empathy, understanding, and dismantling societal prejudices are fundamental steps towards creating an environment where everyone, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, feels valued, respected, and supported in their journey towards mental wellness.

Challenging and Unlearning Biases:

Education and Awareness:

One of the primary steps in dismantling prejudices like queerphobia and misogyny is education. Creating awareness about the interconnectedness of these biases, their impacts, and the lived experiences of marginalized communities is crucial. This involves educating ourselves and others about diverse gender identities and sexual orientations, challenging stereotypes, and promoting empathy and understanding. This has to be a personal undertaking at an individual level for everyone, especially allies. The LGBTQIA+ community is tired, overworked and needs other adults to introspect, realize and push for changing the societal structures that have created discrimination, divide and destruction of diversity.

Advocacy and Support:

Active advocacy for the rights and inclusion of marginalized communities is essential. This involves supporting policies and initiatives that promote equality, diversity, and inclusivity. By amplifying the voices of LGBTQIA+ individuals and advocating for their rights, we contribute to creating a more just and accepting society.

Intersectional Approaches:

Recognizing and acknowledging intersectionality is key. Intersectionality highlights how various forms of oppression intersect and compound, affecting individuals differently based on their multiple identities. Understanding this intersectionality helps in developing more inclusive approaches that address the diverse needs and challenges faced by individuals experiencing multiple forms of discrimination.

Personal Reflection and Unlearning Biases:

Individually, it's essential to engage in introspection and challenge our own biases. This involves examining our beliefs, prejudices, and behaviors that may contribute to perpetuating queerphobia, misogyny, or any form of discrimination. Being open to unlearning societal norms and consciously avoiding language or actions that reinforce stereotypes is crucial in creating a more inclusive environment.

Creating Safe Spaces:

Establishing safe spaces—whether physical or digital—where individuals can express themselves freely without fear of discrimination is pivotal. These spaces foster a sense of belonging, support, and validation for individuals across diverse gender and sexual spectrums.

Empathy and Active Listening:

Practicing empathy and actively listening to the lived experiences of marginalized communities fosters understanding and compassion. It involves acknowledging the struggles faced by individuals due to societal prejudices and working towards creating a world where everyone feels accepted and valued.

By actively challenging and unlearning biases at both individual and societal levels, we contribute to the creation of a more equitable and inclusive society. It's a continuous journey of self-reflection, education, advocacy, and empathy—a journey that leads towards a world where everyone can live authentically and without fear of discrimination based on their gender identity or sexual orientation.

In conclusion, the intertwining of queerphobia and misogyny reveals a complex web of discrimination deeply rooted in societal norms and power structures. Recognizing this connection is the first step towards fostering a society that embraces diversity, equity, and inclusivity.

As we navigate this journey, let's commit to challenging these prejudices, advocating for the rights of marginalized communities, and creating spaces where every individual—regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation—feels valued, respected, and safe. Together, let's strive for a world where authenticity is celebrated, where biases are unlearned, and where love and acceptance triumph over discrimination.

By dismantling queerphobia and misogyny, we pave the way for a future where everyone can live authentically, free from the constraints of societal expectations, and where differences are not just tolerated but embraced as essential threads in the rich fabric of humanity.

Let's continue to stand together, amplify marginalized voices, and work towards a more compassionate, understanding, and inclusive world for all.

September 22, 2023, marked a pivotal moment in the Chandrayaan-3 mission. While hopes of reviving communication with the moon's slumbering lander and rover were lit and quickly put out within the week, it's not the end of the cosmic journey. Former ISRO Chairman A S Kiran Kumar shared with The Economic Times the current state: the moon lander and rover remain in their celestial rest, yet to respond to our calls.

Despite this setback, let's take a moment to celebrate Chandrayaan-3's remarkable achievements. Picture this: a flawless lunar touchdown followed by the rover's tireless exploration, and a series of groundbreaking in-situ scientific experiments. The mission has been a testament to ISRO's expertise and dedication, even in its young age.

In a remarkably short lifespan since its establishment on August 15, 1969, the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) has emerged as a powerhouse in space exploration, overcoming economic hurdles within the country to achieve remarkable milestones.

Compared to NASA, founded on July 29, 1958, ISRO began its journey more than a decade later. Yet, in this comparatively brief period, ISRO has etched its name in the annals of space exploration, displaying astounding resilience and innovation.

India's economic challenges have been no secret, yet against this backdrop, ISRO has soared to unparalleled heights. From launching India's first satellite, Aryabhata, in 1975 to scripting history with the Mars Orbiter Mission (Mangalyaan) in 2013, ISRO has continuously pushed the boundaries of space technology on a shoestring budget.

Chandrayaan-3 came knocking with a budget of ₹600 crores. Sounds hefty, right? Well, brace yourself because here's the zinger – some of India's blockbuster movies, like the epic Adipurush, flexed budgets soaring over ₹500 crores!

Yep, you heard it right. A mission to explore the lunar surface nudged in just above what some big-ticket Bollywood movies splurged on their grandiose spectacle. Adipurush, shot in mind-boggling 3D (if you're curious about how that's done, give me a shout!), flaunted a brand-new technology in India. It's a cinematic marvel backed by some stellar artists, not just on-screen but behind the scenes too.

While we're zooming to the Moon on a lunar rover, it's worth considering how far we've come in the graphics game. Remember those 'Jaani Dushman' and 'Naagin' days? Take a nostalgic peek at Adipurush, not just for the storyline (although that's a bonus!), but to witness the stratospheric leap in graphics, taking us lightyears ahead in the movie-making cosmos.

While the cosmic hotline awaits a response, like a Nag waiting to grow into a human, and the rover takes an extended siesta, the knowledge gleaned from the rover's in-situ chemical analyses, provides a precious glimpse into lunar secrets. This journey signifies not just a story of communication challenges but a remarkable odyssey in unraveling the mysteries of our celestial neighbor.

So, as we look forward, let's hold on to the spirit of discovery that Chandrayaan-3 has ignited. Its achievements pave the way for future cosmic quests, reminding us that despite temporary setbacks, the pursuit of knowledge among the stars never truly ends.

June, 2022.

Dear L,

People remember when they meet other people that ignite them. I've read books and watched movies where they exactly know when and what happened where they meet the person that they know was going to change their life. And here I am. Not having any first clue as to when I met you the first time. But I do remember the times you ignited me. You absolutely lit me on fire that keeps burning even after months I've known you and it just won't let me sleep. You complimented me about my dress. You said I looked beautiful. Thrice. Three fucking times. Such words could bring anyone down on their knees. Who am I to rebuke those words when you said them with the brown in your eyes blinding my black ones. It started then. Hasn't stopped still. Sometimes it does go away but it always finds a way to come back. I wish I could bury it deep inside and never see your eyes when I close mine. But I can't because it has become that thing that holds me tight and keeps my feet on the ground strong. You've easily become one of my people who keep me sane. I don't allow a lot of people to do that to myself.

So my friend says i should make a move. And i know I'd be terrible at it. I just wanna say hey I'm gay for you. Are you gay for me? Maybe not those words because I don't want to startle you. I'd start by telling you who i am. I'd ask you who you are but I'm afraid we won't get to that because I just want all the words off my chest. I've held it for too long. I've been a coward for a longer time than I'd like me to be. So I'd tell you things i always wanted to. I'd tell you things that I think about while i take a walk in the moonlit street and I'd tell you it's you. I'd tell you the things that absolutely won't let me sleep at 2am and I'd tell you it's you. I'd tell you I'm reminded of you when I listen to all the songs nowadays instead of a faceless person and I'd tell you i remember you while listening to avalum nanum and I'd tell you it's you and me i think about everyday and I'd tell you about Elio and Oliver because they are us. We are them. I'd tell you how Elio wondered if it's better to speak or to die.

I'd tell you i spoke. But i wish to die.

Yearning for you H.

Moosur daal – a fusion of Bengal and Bihar

Disclaimer Welcome to intuitive cooking. These recipes are to unleash the chaos in you. No measurements, just vibes

I learnt to make daal at 24. I was instructed by a friend over a video call because I didn't want to Google it. They taught me how to make it in the style their mom made it – the Bihari style. Then my mother told me how we don't do all that in the Bengali style. So I learnt two very different processes of having daal. I'll list both down below.

What I find interesting is that both cultures developed side by side and yet we have so many differences. Industrialisation of the country has only made the gap bigger instead of bridging it. It saddens me so much. Especially when from all over the world we're getting reports of governments assassinating their own citizens, I think it's really important as a nation that we embrace the strength in our diversity. Our cultures, histories, languages, differences and similarities are what make us unique and interesting. This is why colonisers have chosen us over and over and over. Yet, Indians have always managed to assimilate our oppressors into our society, gently redirecting them from pillaging to seeing us as equal traders. We need to remember the sheer power Indians hold in the world. Our greatest exports – intellect, spices, rice, human labour – are what the world functions on. I truly believe the day we reconcile our inter-cultural differences, we will be unstoppable.

Anyway, getting back to daal. My go to is the Bengali version as you'll see it's easier and quicker. The Bihari version is for days when you need comfort in food but also therapy in the preparation. I'm usually lazy and believe in one pot fast cooks but some recipes are so close to my heart, I can't help but share. I know a lot of you also hate chopping and extra prep time but if you have the opportunity and energy, do try the Bihari version of the recipe. You won't regret putting the 15 mins of extra effort.

Ingredients – Bengali version

• Paanch foron
• Mustard oil
• Turmeric
• Salt
• Moosur daal
• Water
• Pressure cooker

Instructions

• Wash the daal
• In some heated oil in the pressure cooker, put the paanch foron in and let it sputter for a few seconds
• Drop in the daal
• Add salt and turmeric powder and let the water dry off. Stir occasionally
• Add water, at least double the amount of daal (this one is a little more flowy. On setting aside for a while, the chonky parts of the daal settles at the bottom, creating my favourite warm drink in the world – daaler jol which literally translates to pulses' water)
• Close the lid of the pressure cooker
• Wait for 3-4 whistles
• Let the pressure release on its own
• Serve over hot rice and with some onion, tomato, cucumber salad dressed with lemon juice and salt

Ingredients – Bihari version

• Tej patta
• Dried red chilli (my preference is Kashmiri, it adds a layer of smokiness to the daal that's just irreplaceable)
• Onion
• Garlic
• Tomato
• Green chilli
• Mustard oil
• Turmeric
• Chilli powder
• Salt
• Moosur daal
• Water
• Coriander
• Pressure cooker

Instructions

• Wash the daal
• Add salt and water to the daal and let it pressure cook
• Wait for 2-3 whistles
• Chop onions, garlic and green chilli
• In a pan, heat mustard oil
• Add tej patta and dried red chilli
• When they start to sputter, add garlic
• As the raw garlic smell disappears, add onions and a little more salt
• When the onion turns translucent, add chillies and tomatoes
• Cook till all the vegetables look wilted
• Add turmeric powder, and red chilli powder
• Fry till you can't smell the raw masala anymore
• Open the lid to your pressure cooker once the pressure is released
• Vigorously break down the daal pieces with a daal masher
• Add the scorching, sputtering chokh/tadka/temper to the daal and stir it in
• Garnish with some freshly chopped coriander
• Serve over hot rice and with some rice+sabudana papad

Fuck Palestine: seems to be the general Indian consensus. Well, okay fuck Palestine. But what about Bengal? What about Assam? What about Arunachal? What about Manipur? What about Nagaland? What about Telangana? What about Andaman? What about Kashmir? Kerala? Karnataka?

What about millions of our own country people? People whose lives look like ours? Children who take auto rickshaws to school? Adults who haggle over the price of tomatoes and curse their fate when they step in a pothole? What about those who share your name but will be forgotten because we care more about morals and justifications of genocide instead of people who save their last bite for their children??

Fuck Palestine? Fuck you.

অবশেষে।

অবশেষে, টুনি বাতি নিভে যায়, - মিসাইলের আঘাতে মৃতদেহ পড়ে থাকে নিস্পৃহ দেবতার পায়। মা হারা শিশু কাঁদে আকাশের পানে চেয়ে শত শত তারারা বোমা হয়ে পড়ে থাকে মায়াভরা গোছা গোছা গোলাপের পাশে। ম্লান হয়ে আসে গান যুদ্ধের দামামায়, শুধু একরোখা মহাকাশ চেয়ে থাকে; অনাহুত পরবাসী নিজেদের ঘরে। রক্তের উৎসব হানা দেয় মন্দিরে, দালানে। শত কোটি জোড়া চোখ চেয়ে চেয়ে মরে যায় স্বপ্নের আশায় এক গোছা ধ্বংসস্তূপের আড়ালে। মানুষের হাহাকার বারে বারে ফিরে আসে পাহাড়ের গায়ে প্রতিধ্বনিত হয়ে। দিন যায়, রাত যায়, রাজাদের টেবিলে প্রজাদের মেদ আসে সুস্বাদু রসে। যুদ্ধবিমান উপনিবেশ করে মেঘেদের সীমানায়। তবু পৃথিবী ঘুরতে থাকে, আর হিমবাহ বেয়ে চুয়ে পড়ে চোখের জল। মানুষের হাহাকার পৌঁছায়নি ব্রহ্মাণ্ডের গভীরে, শুধু একগোছা লাশ পড়ে থাকে সুদূর গ্রহের কোনায়। কে বা চেনে, যে বা জানে, কে বাঁচে, কে বা মরে, অবিচলিত এক আকাশের নিচে।

Russian nesting dolls of pain

Mother, if you look in the mirror under the dim yellow lights at 2 am, Do you ever feel like you're a slightly distorted, less violent version of your own mother? That you're made of the same broken shards of her tears, only in a different light? Or that the blood you pump is tainted in that same weary fluid in her womb when you resided in her, in search of a home that she didn't have too? Your words, your gaze, your voice reverberates her angry stance, Polished and garnished into an ugly blade of decades of oppressed pain, Mother, your hands do not wash the blood she painted you with. Mother, my hands tremble for I see that blood trickling into my veins too, Slowly, and steadily, slithering like a python in its firm calm embrace. The pain shivers me head to toe, flowing like an eternal river since the beginning of time, From mother to daughter, from daughter to mother, In a gyrating loop of a repeated motiff, And we're both stuck here, mother. Mother, when I stand in front of the mirror, I see my reflection tainted in yours, Your reflections tainted in your mother, Outlined and filled in a repeated motiff of hurt and pain and regrets, And an unbridled rage lodged in a brittle shell of love. Mother, are we russian nesting dolls of pain, with our mothers inside our form? I crash on the floor and you come out of my broken shell only to open your dusty lid and show me your mother inside. Hey mother, did your mother's love burn you like stepping into lava too? For, I see you mouthing my words unconsciously, unknowingly, unintentionally, As I do yours, when you cry at night spilling out all the lost happiness you could've not lost if your mother knew better, That I could've not lost if my mother knew better than what she knew to be better. And I cry out asking why did you not know better but this hollow sky answers only with rain, Mother, how could you have known better?

Mother, I hold your hand and my body shrieks coldness and hotness simultaneously, My brain overwhelms itself in understanding the contrasting extremes, As I look at your fiery eyes and find a hurt child only. Mother, we compare lives as if we're commodities in competition in a market, When we're just like each other yet so different and far apart yet so close, My head spins to make sense. Mother, I was born before my birth, in your scars, the moment you did. Mother, I do not know what can satiate this pain, But mother, I need you to see me, see me, see me. For I cannot.

Sitting on a tightrope meant for walking she talks, “he and his new gf are coming contain yourself.” As if my blood would spill from my pours when it boils at the sight of him. As if he would run in the other direction when my words come out of my mouth and push him in a corner. As if the music would stop, the drinks would be over and the grass would turn brown.

I contained myself when I was 9 in a burqa, so I could hide the stench of blood clots my dad decorated on my back. I learnt to shrink in a space only in heaven they heard me sing

I have lost too much of myself to keep people in my life. Can you see, I'm nothing but a backbone now? How dare you tell me to bend?

Thank me for not setting the whole world on fire for what it did to me.

When I asked for help, all I got was hurt as if I was snow white on a poisoned apple I had to became the witch.

My Nani told me, every woman is a lamb after dark and every man out there is hungry Do you see? I am still here after he took chunks off me when he put his long nails on my neck.

There's still so much of me left.

Do you see the statue they made of me in the clouds? Do you hear the collective consciousness whisper ideas to me? Do you feel the mark mercy left on my forehead? Do you smell the stench of a thousand suns on my skin? Do you taste the burn when you savour me and tell me to go back to the ice as if I was a corpse And he was alive?

#A Room of One's Own

I can't live where I want to in my budget but a family can? The bias that house owners have is just pathetic. I live in a house currently which is quite an inconvenience to me. I tolerate it because of my freedoms. But I realize now, my freedoms have been illusionary. They're dependent on such basic things.

I tolerate it when the voltage issue makes my house look like a dimly lit Pecos or for some a haunted house. I tolerate bad plumbing. I am constantly reparing things around the house. Rich people keep disrupting my routine. Nobody helps clean but everybody helps destroy this house's floors, switches, my mugs, and walls. Some rich vegan girl who hates adult lady terms broke the toilet seat and has not paid for it. She drank a lot of almond milk in my house for free.

I asked a bunch of painters to come paint my house and they'd rather paint for Instagram than the friend who gave them gigs that made them famous.

I'll do it myself.

I want carpets but it's ground floor and there's too much dust plus my friends seem to never respect the fact that wet shoes are not welcome inside. I want creepers but there's no direct sunlight. Artificial light is at the mercy of poor connection in this house. A few basic things in this house are so dysfunctional. I don't even have a locker to keep anything locked.

I want to cook but there's no air in the damn kitchen. They've closed the chimney. No exhaust fan. Everything sticks because of it. Dust on top of that.

Dry sinks, welcome cockroaches. Keeping the drains clean is also an issue?

There are no shelves with doors. There's no logical arrangement to keep anything in the kitchen.

The hall has out of place really fucked up shelf that keeps hitting me. The mattress on the floor restricts me from brooming because it is too damn heavy.

I hate changing the lights in this house again and again. White light looks bad. Yellow light looks bad. What lights should I put in this damn house?

The shower has an issue with pressure despite me having a seperate tank. I mean for fucks sake I can't even dance in the shower without hitting my elbows against something.

You live on the mercy of when water comes. Tank gets filled.

And it is bloody unpredictable.

My boyfriend says it's alternative days but it's been proven wrong too.

Plus storing is an issue. There's no place for a drum.

I can't keep the washing machine in the toilet. It's a second hand machine that is automatic and cost me only 5k. Have to keep this beloved piece of legend outside the house. People on the street can see in my house easily if I just keep the door open.

There's always water leaking somewhere in this house no matter much you tighten the valves.

I don't have a quiet corner for writing except at nights – 2:30am.

I feel like I'm suffocating in my house.

I have no curfew. I have no restrictions yet it feels like a prison of micro aggressions.

I adjust but I'm so tired. I want basic shit at least. Sunlight but no fucking noise and dust.

All the basic shit is with landlords who charge too much or only rent to families.

PGs have restrictions.

I need a room of my own. The kind that Virginia Woolf described.