Hi, I am Alo.

I am a 20-something trans Bengali butch, living in Kolkata, India. We are an endangered species.

I ramble about books and media and representation and other seemingly ~asinine~ things that people have told me are frivolous pursuits. I use dating apps to talk about eco-feminism and intersectionality with other queer desi people, as there is no gay bar in my neighbourhood that caters to middle-class socially anxious trans sapphic folk like me. I also like writing love poetry and melancholic, slightly wistful romances about Bengali girls in love and Bengali trans queer kids in Catholic School.

I feel like I have been given a key to Pandora's box with this blog, and thus, my friend has unleashed a monster. You will be subject to my poetry, and you WILL read my opinions. I hope you will listen to what I have to say. Sometimes, my ramblings might even make sense.

Maybe i speak, maybe i die

Hey L,

I'm on a train and I'm thinking of you.

And I want to tell you what will happen if i decide to be brave.

I'd start off by asking you out for a tea, coffee for you? Whichever you prefer. And I will ask you to continue what you were saying when I was pressed up against you, no- the first time.

You barely spoke the second time. Which by the way, will be my next question.

I'd ask all about your lessons, little wins, failures, your first love, your friends back in college and school. And if you still talk to any of them.

I'd then ask how many siblings you have. Are they cunning like mine or sweet like the ones that came for me, but from another mother? I'd ask you about your parents. Are they typical like mine or are they whatever I'm imagining right this instant.

I'd then ask about what hurt you the most when you were a child. Because if there is one thing I find relatable among people, it's their pain. You see, this will help us get closer. And i get to prove myself that I'm not a coward anymore.

I'd ask you about what kind of business you're interested in. And while I ask you this, I'll probably get lost in the stories I'm spinning of both of us in my mind. For you're great at whatever you do and I will sit with you and admire each of your successes and failures. Perhaps we'd retire on a nice farm back at home and we'll sit on our balconies sipping something sweet.

After this story ends, I'd ask you what kind of people you've met. Strangers, friends, relatives. But speak of only your favourite ones. Because if I am not what I am now I'd have written poems about my favourite people that'd stun the poets.

I'd ask you too many questions in between and i sometimes get lost in myself. So feel free to slap me. Or kiss me. Whichever you prefer.

I'd then tell you about the moments I was being sneaky for you. When I asked little details of you nonchalantly. Pretending as if that's the last thing that I care about. I'd tell you it was the most difficult moment to not care.

I'd tell you about the times i kept watching your photos discreetly on screens. When you were right beside me but was too shy to look you in the eye. I'd tell you how once again I realised that i should never choose acting as my career even if my life depends on it.

And if i think this seems like a journey that'd lead to a destination i want to cherish, I'd show you this and ask you out again.

What a waste this would be if you turn out to be a Man. I hope you would just be you.

The Politics of being Gender

If you have been in left-leaning trans and queer online circles then you most probably have heard someone or something being described as “gender”. The term gender, in this context, means having gender expression worth of envy. If you see a person and you feel like emulating their gender expression, then you'll call that person “gender”.

More often than not, 'gender' is reserved for androgyny and perceived gender nonconformity. People of all genders are capable of being 'gender', but gender conforming folks are often reserved to be 'transition goals' for binary trans people. 'Transition goals' imply that the person expressing that feeling is willing to achieve their aesthetic targets with both long-term transitional healthcare (HRT, surgeries, exercise) and short-term gender affirming care (makeup, hair styling, clothing) while gender is reserved for the later goal. Again, with vague, still-developing queer vernacular; both of these terms have an overlap in use and target.

'Gender' ascribes an ideal in queer thought, no matter how subjective. So, I asked my friends who they thought of as 'gender'. Before I continue, I should mention that my data is anecdotal in nature, but it is still able to provide necessary insight into our biases, and the inferences are noteworthy. All of the people who answered are active internet users and part of different online queer spaces, and are within the ages 18-30.

Across the board, the answers featured men and masculine presenting people. They also happened to be white or had light skin, and can be described as thin. Even when people mentioned women or non-men as their examples of “gender”, they had lighter skin and were not fat. In the scope of my query, I struggled to find anyone who did not fit conventional beauty standards who were defined as “gender”.

As trans and queer individuals we mostly exist outside societal norms of gender, sexuality, and love. But that doesn't imply that people in the community won't inherit other forms of bigotry, let alone queerphobia and transphobia. By viewing people who present in a masculine way as “gender” more frequently, we inadvertently extend patriarchal views; where being a man is seen as a neutral being but being a woman or a nonbinary individual is seen as inherently gendered and othered. The oppressive systems at play view a thin, white, able-bodied cis man as the neutral, natural being; and anyone else as a deviation, an anomaly, something to be marked as different. And it sucks that even 'radical' queer activists subconsciously buy into these systems.

This inherent bias is seen when you ask someone to give you a piece of clothing that is not gendered. They are more likely to hand you a suit than a sari, even though they claim to believe that clothes have no inherent gender. Similarly, a shirt is a neutral piece of clothing, but a thobe, a yukata, or a kurta are “cultural” clothes; despite all being clothes are commonly worn by various groups of people.

Complex questions that inquire about societal and cultural norms, and questions the veracity of different biases that exist within us seldom come with simple answers. But that doesn't mean all efforts will be futile. We can start by questioning why we think of a certain gender as the natural being and others as a marked deviation, not “normal”. The steps after this questioning are even more complex, involving attempting to deconstruct the way gender is viewed in society. There is one step that is simple, and that is ensuring transphobic cis queers never get a platform.

When my poetry stagnates, I know the world is on fire. I know the world is on fire, for my poetry does not sing. It is not born out of misery, my words, But squeezed instead out of the last remaining willfull happiness I have left within me. This happiness that writhes in pain, Asking to be let free. In my misery I drink of the world. I embody the cowardice my forefathers taught me to seek. I am flesh and I am bone and the misery of this earth Does not entail me. And neither does my poetry. Dried up sands within fall like an inch of time pasing by from a higher cliff And atop it I sit, wondering When shall the end be near me.

Wired brain – it's mine!

My brain is wired. There are a couple diagnoses and I don't want more. Ultimately, the wires in my brain are entangled, keep switching, some are different colors and some are invisible. I don't want to delve into the challenges I face to exist in a pretentious non wired world but the struggles of claiming my wired-ness.

I am not really sure what is more difficult. I get annoyed when I see other people keeping their response to themselves. Although, when I go back to my visual self, I see the fear and shame evidently from my childhood and five years of law school. I had a mask on to not be myself; the fact is I never knew who I am. It made it easier to be whoever I wanted to be (common word for it is projecting). Those were equally sad days, but they were the days of unawareness from discouragement to get aware.

I would deflect from projecting once in a while or when I felt safe with my beloved friend from the time. She is the person who helped me start unveiling myself; to see that everything I think or speak is not silly. Then it was her, work colleagues and work that I was immensely faithful too. I loved what I was doing irrespective of the routine, I could truly see myself and my wired brain complementing and coexisting. Once my boss, while talking about a matter in Court the next day, was agitated and asked me if I am even understanding or just nodding. I think he knew how I used to feel about doing what we were doing but he expected me to express that feeling.

“I've just learnt to accept my feelings, how do i express them. Is it necessary? Is nodding not engaging or expressive.” It's only a few years (could be 2, 5, 10, 12 years) that I realised my way of perceiving the world is common; even its presence is very explicit but it's always unacknowledged!

I unapologetically address myself a late bloomer; the shade, light, water I received was unproportionate, there were storms and untimely rain but assessment is based on growth. The more I learnt how behind I am from the unwireds and after it stopped making any difference, I was still sad but it was tube lightening. I adore the person I am and this constant push to pretend upsets me and when it doesn’t affect others in similar situations, it upsets me even more.

Being wired has broken me, hence I can only be broken into more pieces instead of being fixed. I don’t see any point in being fixed or healed because it's not possible; but also because the process of healing will make me resilient and to pretend. I don’t want to put so much effort into molding myself when I can continue to be upset and still exist. It can't be just me who have been unknown to myself for so long that it's now ruthless but yet joyful to explore further.

Was this the expression my boss was expecting while he is amazing at pretending? Humans are complex and when it’s 'char log', it gets even more complicated.

Note: Maybe the writing style did not make sense. If you want to get sense out of something I said, reach out. If you disagree, please break my notions but if you’re offended; you're welcome.

I am drowning yet I wish I could drown further. I ask my friends what drowning feels like. They give me a sad laugh and walk past. Lately, I don't understand things around me. I was dying and someone who loved me said, “Live” and I became immortal. Maybe I loved them too. I don't remember their face. I do remember them leaving. They were stupid. They didn't realize how much relief there is in death until they left me in death. An end to the noise. An end to the corrosion. An end. An end. I hate so much about everything they stood for. I want to wear their bones as a crown. I have lived a thousand deaths. I last slept against some Banyan tree. It offered some faux camaraderie in its longevity. I bleed sometimes. It makes me cry. Fate plays this cruel game, masquerading my mortality. I hate you. You had no right to take what was mine. It was your greed. Your possessiveness that would not let me go. The worst part is, i only remember the worst of you. I can't remember the way you kissed me, I remember the way you kept me hostage. I can't remember how you held my waist and danced with me, I remember the vague memory of you leaving. I went to the sea after a long time. I thought of drowning. I couldn't breathe. It felt normal for a while. It made me close my eyes for a moment as my lungs filled with the saline. A thousand blades haven't made me feel this good. I knew what was coming when your curse pulled me to the surface, the waves hitting me, each like a slap to the face. Was this love? Some days I think you never loved me, maybe I was an object to you. Yours to possess as long as you lived, a prized possession. A possession but nothing more. Like an invader entering promised land, you took everything. It was in your divinity to take everything. You put me on fire, and left me to burn for eternity. I don't even have the energy to curse you anymore. Maybe I did love you.

A month back while traveling back from Noida to Delhi, as always I passed Shaheen Bagh where peaceful protest was held in 2019-2020 against CAA and NRC. If you never passed that road during the protest days, you won't know what it was like to be there. Thousands of people standing tall to fight for their rights, to not be questioned for being in their own country and some in solidarity. After the protest was forcibly stopped, everything in that part of the road was painted over and removed. It was meant to remove all marks of resistance. One part that continued to give hope and joy that they left one mark where Faridabad was painted Zindabad. It was a pleasure to the eyes and ofcourse I thought nobody noticed it but me. I saw that more than couple time and the smile I held in solidarity. While passing through that road recently, Zindabad was removed too but I am not sure if I was still hurt. People who held that protest continue to be the citizens they are, Shaheen Bagh continues to hold the legacy of resistance that was acknowledged by the world. I would laugh to myself thinking that they really believe by revamping the area, they can get away with it. Now after four years, I don't feel the same, they are getting away with it easily. The world is on fire and international bodies fail to change anything in Gaza to stop the genocide; India is nowhere, forget about what is happening in parts of the country where the resistance for autonomy continues for years. I know as a savarna hindu – my citizenship would not be questioned and now being in a city where displaced refugees live including hindus and muslims; I am learning more. Also just saying out loud, north indian point of view is loud but it is narrow and I see it more and more with small interactions I get to be part of. This was just my experience and understanding till now and I know my values are shifting because of the public system becoming incapable of protecting the basic rights. What can I do about it? I don't know but I don't want to be hopeless.

In the love of the world I thought, was a beautiful place. I want to surprise myself, and know what I am capable of. I don’t want to give up, not right now!

With hope in despair.

I think it's happening again Staring at the sky until my eyes sting Sitting on the terrace until I catch a cold.

Hair tangled all over my face I didn't mean for this to happen. But they keep pushing me here I do not want to be here The mountains blackened Clouds chasing each other Sun set so low I can't catch a peak

I should leave soon But there's blood everywhere Too scared and too mesmerised to leave I want to set my heart on fire. Let it unlearn all this hatred And build a new heart from the things I learnt from you Adorn it with Spanish Jasmine.

Call for my friend and hang the fairy lights around it, books stack up high with walls around us. Maybe a cup of tea, for me and coffee for you. We'll sit and discuss to include more decoratives We'll make it so pretty that it will look Like it never was once bruised and battered.

But I can't do that yet I need space This house, with a huge hall. I don't have space here Not to breathe Not to cry Not to be.

I watched Moonlight Chicken, a Thai BL months ago and I've always wanted to write about the characters in the series but I guess I was too scared that I wouldn't be able to find the right and perfect words to describe so I never wrote. But here's a little attempt on finding them. These are mostly the little details i loved watching in the series.

When they're out and about at night without telling their parents & uncle. Li Ming teaches heart how to ride a motorcycle and he says I haven't felt like this in a long time. Heart and Li Ming are leaning on a rail. Li Ming comes closer. He smiles at Heart and they bump shoulders. Their legs brush.

They were lying on a bed before that and their legs brushed again. They're almost cuddling. But they're just friends.

Heart is mad that his parents aren't learning sign language for him even though it's been three years since he's gone deaf. He and his parents have a huge fight. He storms upstairs and Li Ming follows him. Heart is sobbing so badly that his entire face is wet. Li Ming hesitantly touches his knee. Heart leans his head on his shoulder, shuddering helplessly because I think he realizes for the first time how alone he's been in his life before Li Ming came into it. Li Ming says nothing. He hugs Heart. He just stays with him. Quietly. That's the intimacy I've always wanted in my life.

Later in episode 6, Li Ming brings Heart into his house. He takes it all in and looks at everything curiously as if to say “So this is his home”. He tries to talk for the first time when he sees their cat, Jimbo , I think. He says his name aloud and it comes out all scratchy. But Li Ming is beyond the moon. He stutters for a second and Heart watches amusingly. He's persuaded to talk again and he does again. Li Ming is giddy and hugs him and lifts him off the ground and Heart just keeps staring at him.

Li Ming includes Heart in most conversations by using sign language and talking simultaneously. He orders two Boba tea when he goes grocery shopping with his uncle and visits Heart. They both smile and drink tea while texting each other while sitting next to each other. Sometimes they do that even though they both know sign language.

On New Year’s, Li Ming does the countdown in sign language, screaming along with the numbers. They welcome the new year by holding hands and being each other's first kiss

All thanks to publisher, mentor, chosen mother and friend, Wree for talking on this matter that made me delve deeper into this

In our ever-evolving world, progress in understanding gender and sexual orientation has brought to light the interconnectedness between queerphobia and misogyny. The belief that these prejudices are distinct fails to recognize the deep-seated roots they share.

Introduction: Unveiling the Connection Between Queerphobia and Misogyny

This topic is definitely a departure from the vibes of ARTable where we focus on the science behind many artforms. However, there has been a lot of activity in this sector of social science recently. I wanted to use my platform to talk about this because it is more than just a discussion for me; it's a narrative that resonates deeply within my own life. To those who have followed my journey through these digital pages, it's no secret—I am queer. Specifically, I identify as non-binary, a declaration that encompasses my belief that the confines of gender roles are restrictive and limiting. For me, it means that my capabilities, ambitions, and domestic skills aren't defined by any societal expectations; I can effortlessly juggle multiple jobs, manage my livelihood, spoil my loved ones, and cook and clean just as proficiently as anyone else, irrespective of gender.

My journey, however, has not been without its challenges. Having navigated the world for the initial nineteen years of my life presenting as a woman, I am no stranger to the nuances and struggles tied to misogyny. The experiences of being perceived, judged, and sometimes diminished solely based on societal expectations of femininity are deeply ingrained in my story.

Additionally, my time being out and proud within the vibrant online LGBTQIA+ community since 2016 has exposed me to the harsh realities of queerphobia. I've witnessed the prejudice, the discrimination, and tragically, the loss of individuals from my chosen family—losses that were initially attributed to queerphobia. However, as I delve deeper into these unfortunate occurrences, I've begun to unravel a stark truth: what I presumed to be solely queerphobia was often nothing but misogyny cloaked in different attire.

Every passing year brings the heartache of losing someone from my community, and with each loss, I've come to the realization that beneath the facade of queerphobia lies the stark reality of misogyny.

This profound understanding has fueled my exploration into the interconnectedness of these prejudices, urging me to unravel the layers that intertwine queerphobia and misogyny. It's a journey of introspection, education, and advocacy—an endeavor to shed light on this intrinsic connection and pave the way for a more inclusive, empathetic, and equitable society.

Join me on this exploration as we uncover the hidden threads binding queerphobia and misogyny, and embark together towards a world where every individual can embrace their identity without fear or discrimination.

The Intersection of Queerphobia and Misogyny

Queerphobia, the prejudice against individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+, often mirrors the discrimination experienced by women. At its core, it stems from rigid societal gender norms and stereotypes. Misogyny, the hatred or prejudice against women, is frequently intertwined with the discrimination faced by individuals who identify as queer.

Reinforcement of Gender Roles:

Both queerphobia and misogyny find their roots in a society that rigidly enforces traditional gender roles. Women are often expected to conform to predetermined societal standards of behavior, appearance, and roles, failing which they are subjected to various forms of discrimination. Similarly, individuals within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum often face similar expectations to fit within societal norms related to gender and sexuality.

For instance, gay men might face ridicule for not adhering to stereotypical masculine behaviors, while lesbians may encounter discrimination for deviating from the traditional roles assigned to women. Transgender individuals challenge these gender norms even more significantly, experiencing discrimination and violence for not conforming to the gender assigned to them at birth. This rigid enforcement of gender roles perpetuates the idea that deviating from these norms is somehow wrong or inferior, leading to both queerphobia and misogyny.

Power Dynamics and Control:

Misogyny and queerphobia share a common foundation in power dynamics. At the core of both prejudices lies a desire for dominance and control over marginalized groups. This control aims to maintain existing power structures, often established by cisgender heterosexual men. Individuals or groups that deviate from these norms are seen as a threat to this established hierarchy, resulting in discrimination, oppression, and violence.

In both contexts, the control mechanisms differ but originate from the same patriarchal system. Misogyny operates to maintain male dominance over women, while queerphobia seeks to maintain heteronormativity by marginalizing LGBTQIA+ individuals. The fear of losing control over societal norms and structures perpetuates these prejudices, leading to the systematic oppression of both women and queer individuals.

Understanding these intertwined mechanisms is crucial to dismantling these prejudices. By challenging societal expectations of gender and power dynamics, we can pave the way for a more inclusive and equitable society—one that embraces diversity and rejects discrimination based on gender or sexual orientation.

Overlapping Prejudices

Challenging Gender Norms and Sexual Orientation:

The overlap between queerphobia and misogyny becomes starkly evident in the discrimination faced by lesbians. Their sexual orientation challenges the societal norms of heterosexual relationships, but it goes further. Lesbians, particularly feminine-presenting individuals, challenge traditional gender roles by engaging in same-sex relationships. As a result, they often experience compounded discrimination, facing backlash not just for their sexual orientation but also for defying conventional gender expectations.

Heightened Discrimination Against Transgender Individuals:

Transgender individuals encounter multifaceted discrimination due to their divergence from societal gender expectations. They challenge the very foundation of binary gender norms, and this challenge is met with substantial resistance. Transphobia, a form of queerphobia directed specifically at transgender individuals, often intersects with misogyny as these individuals might face discrimination and violence for not conforming to the gender assigned at birth.

These terms are crucial in understanding the nuances of discrimination faced by transgender individuals. Here's an explanation for each:

Transmisia:

Transmisia is a broad term used to describe the prejudice or discrimination against transgender individuals. It encompasses a range of negative attitudes, biases, and actions directed towards people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Transmisia includes societal beliefs, stereotypes, and systemic barriers that contribute to the marginalization and oppression of transgender individuals.

Transmisogyny:

Transmisogyny specifically refers to the intersection of transphobia and misogyny, targeting transgender women or individuals assigned male at birth who identify as female or feminine. It highlights the unique discrimination and oppression faced by transgender women, often stemming from both transphobic attitudes against their gender identity and misogynistic attitudes against their femininity.

Transmisogyny encompasses the specific experiences of discrimination faced by transgender women, including societal marginalization, violence, exclusion, and the denial of basic rights, all rooted in a combination of transphobia and misogyny.

Transphobia:

Transphobia is a more general term describing the fear, hatred, or discrimination against transgender or gender-nonconforming individuals. It encompasses a wide range of negative attitudes, behaviors, and systemic prejudices directed towards people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Transphobia can manifest in various forms, including verbal abuse, physical violence, denial of rights, and social exclusion.

Understanding these terms is crucial in recognizing the specific challenges and discrimination faced by transgender individuals, particularly transgender women who experience transmisogyny—prejudices compounded by both transphobia and misogyny. Addressing and challenging these prejudices is essential in creating a more inclusive and supportive society for all gender identities.

Impact on Mental Health:

The compounded effects of facing discrimination from both queerphobia and misogyny significantly impact the mental health of individuals within these marginalized groups. Research consistently shows higher rates of anxiety, depression, and trauma among LGBTQIA+ individuals, particularly those who identify as women or feminine-presenting.

The constant exposure to discrimination, societal rejection, and prejudice takes a toll on mental well-being. The fear of being ostracized or facing violence solely based on one's gender identity or sexual orientation leads to heightened stress levels and emotional distress. The lack of acceptance, understanding, and support exacerbates these mental health challenges, often leading to severe consequences, including higher rates of suicide and self-harm within the LGBTQIA+ community.

Addressing the mental health impact of intersecting queerphobia and misogyny necessitates creating safe spaces, providing adequate support systems, and fostering acceptance and inclusivity. Offering access to mental health resources specifically tailored to the unique challenges faced by individuals dealing with these intersecting prejudices is crucial in mitigating the adverse effects on their mental well-being.

Empathy, understanding, and dismantling societal prejudices are fundamental steps towards creating an environment where everyone, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, feels valued, respected, and supported in their journey towards mental wellness.

Challenging and Unlearning Biases:

Education and Awareness:

One of the primary steps in dismantling prejudices like queerphobia and misogyny is education. Creating awareness about the interconnectedness of these biases, their impacts, and the lived experiences of marginalized communities is crucial. This involves educating ourselves and others about diverse gender identities and sexual orientations, challenging stereotypes, and promoting empathy and understanding. This has to be a personal undertaking at an individual level for everyone, especially allies. The LGBTQIA+ community is tired, overworked and needs other adults to introspect, realize and push for changing the societal structures that have created discrimination, divide and destruction of diversity.

Advocacy and Support:

Active advocacy for the rights and inclusion of marginalized communities is essential. This involves supporting policies and initiatives that promote equality, diversity, and inclusivity. By amplifying the voices of LGBTQIA+ individuals and advocating for their rights, we contribute to creating a more just and accepting society.

Intersectional Approaches:

Recognizing and acknowledging intersectionality is key. Intersectionality highlights how various forms of oppression intersect and compound, affecting individuals differently based on their multiple identities. Understanding this intersectionality helps in developing more inclusive approaches that address the diverse needs and challenges faced by individuals experiencing multiple forms of discrimination.

Personal Reflection and Unlearning Biases:

Individually, it's essential to engage in introspection and challenge our own biases. This involves examining our beliefs, prejudices, and behaviors that may contribute to perpetuating queerphobia, misogyny, or any form of discrimination. Being open to unlearning societal norms and consciously avoiding language or actions that reinforce stereotypes is crucial in creating a more inclusive environment.

Creating Safe Spaces:

Establishing safe spaces—whether physical or digital—where individuals can express themselves freely without fear of discrimination is pivotal. These spaces foster a sense of belonging, support, and validation for individuals across diverse gender and sexual spectrums.

Empathy and Active Listening:

Practicing empathy and actively listening to the lived experiences of marginalized communities fosters understanding and compassion. It involves acknowledging the struggles faced by individuals due to societal prejudices and working towards creating a world where everyone feels accepted and valued.

By actively challenging and unlearning biases at both individual and societal levels, we contribute to the creation of a more equitable and inclusive society. It's a continuous journey of self-reflection, education, advocacy, and empathy—a journey that leads towards a world where everyone can live authentically and without fear of discrimination based on their gender identity or sexual orientation.

In conclusion, the intertwining of queerphobia and misogyny reveals a complex web of discrimination deeply rooted in societal norms and power structures. Recognizing this connection is the first step towards fostering a society that embraces diversity, equity, and inclusivity.

As we navigate this journey, let's commit to challenging these prejudices, advocating for the rights of marginalized communities, and creating spaces where every individual—regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation—feels valued, respected, and safe. Together, let's strive for a world where authenticity is celebrated, where biases are unlearned, and where love and acceptance triumph over discrimination.

By dismantling queerphobia and misogyny, we pave the way for a future where everyone can live authentically, free from the constraints of societal expectations, and where differences are not just tolerated but embraced as essential threads in the rich fabric of humanity.

Let's continue to stand together, amplify marginalized voices, and work towards a more compassionate, understanding, and inclusive world for all.

September 22, 2023, marked a pivotal moment in the Chandrayaan-3 mission. While hopes of reviving communication with the moon's slumbering lander and rover were lit and quickly put out within the week, it's not the end of the cosmic journey. Former ISRO Chairman A S Kiran Kumar shared with The Economic Times the current state: the moon lander and rover remain in their celestial rest, yet to respond to our calls.

Despite this setback, let's take a moment to celebrate Chandrayaan-3's remarkable achievements. Picture this: a flawless lunar touchdown followed by the rover's tireless exploration, and a series of groundbreaking in-situ scientific experiments. The mission has been a testament to ISRO's expertise and dedication, even in its young age.

In a remarkably short lifespan since its establishment on August 15, 1969, the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) has emerged as a powerhouse in space exploration, overcoming economic hurdles within the country to achieve remarkable milestones.

Compared to NASA, founded on July 29, 1958, ISRO began its journey more than a decade later. Yet, in this comparatively brief period, ISRO has etched its name in the annals of space exploration, displaying astounding resilience and innovation.

India's economic challenges have been no secret, yet against this backdrop, ISRO has soared to unparalleled heights. From launching India's first satellite, Aryabhata, in 1975 to scripting history with the Mars Orbiter Mission (Mangalyaan) in 2013, ISRO has continuously pushed the boundaries of space technology on a shoestring budget.

Chandrayaan-3 came knocking with a budget of ₹600 crores. Sounds hefty, right? Well, brace yourself because here's the zinger – some of India's blockbuster movies, like the epic Adipurush, flexed budgets soaring over ₹500 crores!

Yep, you heard it right. A mission to explore the lunar surface nudged in just above what some big-ticket Bollywood movies splurged on their grandiose spectacle. Adipurush, shot in mind-boggling 3D (if you're curious about how that's done, give me a shout!), flaunted a brand-new technology in India. It's a cinematic marvel backed by some stellar artists, not just on-screen but behind the scenes too.

While we're zooming to the Moon on a lunar rover, it's worth considering how far we've come in the graphics game. Remember those 'Jaani Dushman' and 'Naagin' days? Take a nostalgic peek at Adipurush, not just for the storyline (although that's a bonus!), but to witness the stratospheric leap in graphics, taking us lightyears ahead in the movie-making cosmos.

While the cosmic hotline awaits a response, like a Nag waiting to grow into a human, and the rover takes an extended siesta, the knowledge gleaned from the rover's in-situ chemical analyses, provides a precious glimpse into lunar secrets. This journey signifies not just a story of communication challenges but a remarkable odyssey in unraveling the mysteries of our celestial neighbor.

So, as we look forward, let's hold on to the spirit of discovery that Chandrayaan-3 has ignited. Its achievements pave the way for future cosmic quests, reminding us that despite temporary setbacks, the pursuit of knowledge among the stars never truly ends.

June, 2022.

Dear L,

People remember when they meet other people that ignite them. I've read books and watched movies where they exactly know when and what happened where they meet the person that they know was going to change their life. And here I am. Not having any first clue as to when I met you the first time. But I do remember the times you ignited me. You absolutely lit me on fire that keeps burning even after months I've known you and it just won't let me sleep. You complimented me about my dress. You said I looked beautiful. Thrice. Three fucking times. Such words could bring anyone down on their knees. Who am I to rebuke those words when you said them with the brown in your eyes blinding my black ones. It started then. Hasn't stopped still. Sometimes it does go away but it always finds a way to come back. I wish I could bury it deep inside and never see your eyes when I close mine. But I can't because it has become that thing that holds me tight and keeps my feet on the ground strong. You've easily become one of my people who keep me sane. I don't allow a lot of people to do that to myself.

So my friend says i should make a move. And i know I'd be terrible at it. I just wanna say hey I'm gay for you. Are you gay for me? Maybe not those words because I don't want to startle you. I'd start by telling you who i am. I'd ask you who you are but I'm afraid we won't get to that because I just want all the words off my chest. I've held it for too long. I've been a coward for a longer time than I'd like me to be. So I'd tell you things i always wanted to. I'd tell you things that I think about while i take a walk in the moonlit street and I'd tell you it's you. I'd tell you the things that absolutely won't let me sleep at 2am and I'd tell you it's you. I'd tell you I'm reminded of you when I listen to all the songs nowadays instead of a faceless person and I'd tell you i remember you while listening to avalum nanum and I'd tell you it's you and me i think about everyday and I'd tell you about Elio and Oliver because they are us. We are them. I'd tell you how Elio wondered if it's better to speak or to die.

I'd tell you i spoke. But i wish to die.

Yearning for you H.

Moosur daal – a fusion of Bengal and Bihar

Disclaimer Welcome to intuitive cooking. These recipes are to unleash the chaos in you. No measurements, just vibes

I learnt to make daal at 24. I was instructed by a friend over a video call because I didn't want to Google it. They taught me how to make it in the style their mom made it – the Bihari style. Then my mother told me how we don't do all that in the Bengali style. So I learnt two very different processes of having daal. I'll list both down below.

What I find interesting is that both cultures developed side by side and yet we have so many differences. Industrialisation of the country has only made the gap bigger instead of bridging it. It saddens me so much. Especially when from all over the world we're getting reports of governments assassinating their own citizens, I think it's really important as a nation that we embrace the strength in our diversity. Our cultures, histories, languages, differences and similarities are what make us unique and interesting. This is why colonisers have chosen us over and over and over. Yet, Indians have always managed to assimilate our oppressors into our society, gently redirecting them from pillaging to seeing us as equal traders. We need to remember the sheer power Indians hold in the world. Our greatest exports – intellect, spices, rice, human labour – are what the world functions on. I truly believe the day we reconcile our inter-cultural differences, we will be unstoppable.

Anyway, getting back to daal. My go to is the Bengali version as you'll see it's easier and quicker. The Bihari version is for days when you need comfort in food but also therapy in the preparation. I'm usually lazy and believe in one pot fast cooks but some recipes are so close to my heart, I can't help but share. I know a lot of you also hate chopping and extra prep time but if you have the opportunity and energy, do try the Bihari version of the recipe. You won't regret putting the 15 mins of extra effort.

Ingredients – Bengali version

• Paanch foron
• Mustard oil
• Turmeric
• Salt
• Moosur daal
• Water
• Pressure cooker

Instructions

• Wash the daal
• In some heated oil in the pressure cooker, put the paanch foron in and let it sputter for a few seconds
• Drop in the daal
• Add salt and turmeric powder and let the water dry off. Stir occasionally
• Add water, at least double the amount of daal (this one is a little more flowy. On setting aside for a while, the chonky parts of the daal settles at the bottom, creating my favourite warm drink in the world – daaler jol which literally translates to pulses' water)
• Close the lid of the pressure cooker
• Wait for 3-4 whistles
• Let the pressure release on its own
• Serve over hot rice and with some onion, tomato, cucumber salad dressed with lemon juice and salt

Ingredients – Bihari version

• Tej patta
• Dried red chilli (my preference is Kashmiri, it adds a layer of smokiness to the daal that's just irreplaceable)
• Onion
• Garlic
• Tomato
• Green chilli
• Mustard oil
• Turmeric
• Chilli powder
• Salt
• Moosur daal
• Water
• Coriander
• Pressure cooker

Instructions

• Wash the daal
• Add salt and water to the daal and let it pressure cook
• Wait for 2-3 whistles
• Chop onions, garlic and green chilli
• In a pan, heat mustard oil
• Add tej patta and dried red chilli
• When they start to sputter, add garlic
• As the raw garlic smell disappears, add onions and a little more salt
• When the onion turns translucent, add chillies and tomatoes
• Cook till all the vegetables look wilted
• Add turmeric powder, and red chilli powder
• Fry till you can't smell the raw masala anymore
• Open the lid to your pressure cooker once the pressure is released
• Vigorously break down the daal pieces with a daal masher
• Add the scorching, sputtering chokh/tadka/temper to the daal and stir it in
• Garnish with some freshly chopped coriander
• Serve over hot rice and with some rice+sabudana papad