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I keep having bad Mondays. As i sit at midnight with my write-ups incomplete, Hurriedly noted down to not forget it Not having time to remember it, I'm thinking of all the times my words were my walls.

Words are my form of expression but they're also the walls of my fort I go to when i refuse to talk to anyone. And now I don't remember what i started to write about.

With music tuning me out and when they fail my thoughts take over, i barely identify the pattern.

My life sometimes feels like a ball of yarn that can never be untangled, often rolled around by a cat too arrogant and dead to notice my screams

And I try to find a corner to hide. Try each yarn but I keep going back to the state of numbness. All I wish for your arms around me and for you to wait while i slowly come undone.

There's a fire burning around me and my eyes try to find yours before finding a way out. Foolish of me to think you'd be the rescue team.

And I keep hating every writing of mine, so i offer them to the fire.

Waiting for it engulf me, until all but your eyes is all I can see.

Pluto – A Poem

I sit in the front But I feel like I'm in a corner Watching everything happen Like it's all on tv and I'm not part of it

I lean closer For there's blood connecting us all The blood is alarming enough to attract attention

I switch channels Everything is rainbows and unicorns Everyone's hugged and loved All gain attention and understanding

I come back And realise I don't belong In a dark room With no light in the end of the tunnel

I look at my shaking hands And wonder if i deserve them I open up my brain and check for the dirt they expect me to carry

But I only see yards and yards of Yearning and withering sunflowers Polka dots and red frocks With ribbons that don't match

I let go of the space scientist dream When i understood I'm Pluto A dark disappearing rock that's Supposedly a part of a family

What's wrong with Pluto? Was the title It just belonged in a different galaxy is all

I hope Pluto realises it soon.

অ্যাবিস থেকে দিগন্ত ঠিক কতটা দূরে?

একদিন, সেই কবে, সেই কোন দূরে, দিগন্ত থেকে কিছুটা মাঝামাঝি দাঁড়িয়ে ছিলাম। আমার হাত দুটো ছিল সিঁদুরে লাল, ভর্তি ছিল মুঠোয় করা একটা মন। আমারই হবে হয়ত। পৃথিবীতে রোজ কত মন ভাঙে। রোজ কত মন আর জোড়া লাগে না। রোজ কত লোক হারিয়ে যায়, রোজ নেমে আসে অন্ধকার। এ আর এমন কী?

সেই ভাঙা মনের কুঁচোগুলো আজও জোড়া দেওয়া হয়নি। হাত দুটো আজও সিঁদুরে লাল। মনের কুঁচো অংশগুলো বেশ আছে, তবে! শুকনো, গোলাপের পাপড়ির মতন, একতাল মন খারাপের মতন। মন খারাপ কি তবে এরকমই দেখতে হয়?

আমার মন ভেঙেছে বহু যুগ আগে। এখন মন বৃদ্ধ হয়েছে, বার্ধক্যের অবহেলাতেও সে দিব্যি থাকে। এখন আমার চোখে কাজল, কাজলের আছে তীব্র তেজ, মিশমিশে কালো রঙে চোখে নামে রোজ রাত্রির শেষ।

ভেবেছিলাম মন নিয়ে একদিন দিগন্ত হেঁটে যাবো। মন গেল ছেড়ে চলে, মাঝপথে। আমি এখন কাজল পরি, আমি আজও মাঝপথে।

মাঝে মাঝে ভাবি অ্যাবিসের কথা। কেউ কি জানে অ্যাবিস কোথায়? তার ঠিকানা কোথায়? রাত্রির চেয়ে ঘন তার শূন্যতা, কাজলের চেয়েও ঘন তার কালিমা। কেউ কি জানে অ্যাবিস কাকে ডাকে? জানা আছে তার গল্প কী বলে?

তাই বলছি, অ্যাবিস থেকে দিগন্ত ফেরার রাস্তাটা, ঠিক কতদূর, কেউ কি বলতে পারো আমায়?

Being lonely is no more an art

Lately I've been chasing the high of people's voices. Be it video calls or audio calls or podcasts. So much so stay, I can barely sit with silence anymore. I can't even sleep with it.

Perhaps I'm too scared to sit with my own thoughts? Too much of a coward to lay out all my decisions in the dark and wonder where it all went wrong? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

But i know this.

There once was a time when I desperately wanted peace and quiet from everything – my parents house, my hostel, the city traffic, the thoughts in my head.

Gone are the days when i reached my hand out, another reached out. Tiffin boxes always full of food and hostel rooms so loud and messy with our laughter and unwashed laundry.

Gone are the eyeliner training classes from you and late night snacking that always ended up in one of us getting sick.

Gone are the days when i’d come home to your hi, how was your day? Was that client too annoying today as well?

Gone are the days where I had people around me who didn't mind my loudness and weird laughter. Heck, they were weirder.

Gone are the days that I'd go out for a walk to seek some silence.

Now I live alone and mask the loneliness with all my Pinterest posters and post-its on my wall to physically move myself from the bed.

Really, all I do is go to my empty apartment and the only thing that welcomes me is the light I never switch off in my kitchen.

is being free just an illusion?

I fell into a rabbit hole of my own memories. It's weird.

I have tried so much to hold on to every single moment

It's so obvious from the videos.

And yet I've tried to enjoy it at the same time. I was wise enough to know I'd miss it. But i didn't want to. I mean if i lived it to the fullest i wouldn't miss it, right?

I still do, though. I wish I could go back to my college days, running on the road at 11pm to get a bar of chocolate, dancing my heart out at an auditorium and smiling in a way that's so careless of me.

Now I'm tired by 7pm, have to get drunk to dance like I did and smile like everyone's watching when no one is.

Is this what growing up is? Is adulting so lonely that I miss myself more and more everyday?

Is being free just an illusion?

“My type in men”

I need someone that's willing to walk through a storm to give an umbrella to me.

I need someone that's so hot looking (to me) and so kind and whenever we fight we just talk about it and get over it

I need someone i can hug. Not those meaningless, contactless awkward hug. A full on proper one, that cures the bad day.

I need someone that's so self assured of me that nothing I ever do fazes them.

I need someone that wants to make my own decision and be there for me if (when) it gets fucked up.

I need someone like the man I met in my dream. The man of my dreams.

I need someone that makes me so blush that even alcohol loses to that face.

Speaking of, i need someone that gets drunk with me and listens to me 10x worsened rambles.

I need someone that looks and acts like the pilot in my dreams, ready to take over anytime a disaster is about to happen. But waits for my signal first. I'm too adamant to let someone take over my problems.

I need someone that's so rich. Rich in health, in ideas, in love and happiness. A little bit of money that can get us by too of course.

I need them to be pet lovers too. I'm so running a shelter that's a home to so many strays.

Someone that sees how much I try to be better.

Alone at the hospital

ஒரு குழந்தையின் முதல் ஏமாற்றம்.

அம்மா தன் குழந்தையைக் இருக்கி அணைத்து “ஒன்னும் இல்ல, ஒன்னும் இல்ல” என்று சொல்ல

பின்னாடியே நர்ஸ் வந்து ஊசி குத்த அவன் கதரி அழ.. ஆஸ்பத்திரியில் ஒரே கூச்சல்.

ஆனால் இன்னும் பல ஏமாற்றங்களை அவன் சந்திக்கும் போது அவன் அம்மா அவனை கட்டி அணைப்பால் என்று நம்புகிறேன்.

இல்லன்னா என்னமாறி தனியா ஆஸ்பத்திரியில் வந்து காத்திருக்க வேண்டும்.

டாக்டர்க்கா அம்மாவுக்கா என்று தெரியாமல்.

Since the last couple years, AI has been taking over a lot of aspects of our daily lives. Every self-proclaimed expert on social media is talking about AI. Like most other issues being talked on social media, AI obsessed crowd has put themselves into a binary of AI-promoters and AI-haters. The regular social media thrives on polarisation as it increases user engagements on their platforms. This also leaves out the people on whom AI is forced upon but their opinions are not being heard or valued. It also leaves out the nuances of using or not using AI.

I have had quite a few in person discussions regarding AI in my personal day to day life, and I want to highlight a few of those.

My local grocery and cigarette shop is run by a millennial. He is quite friendly a lot of young people frequent his shops and engages in conversations on various topics. A few days back, he asked about my opinion on AI. I mentioned AI is a marketing term and an actual ‘intelligence’ and asked further about why he is asking about AI. He mentioned about a guy who is very specifically pro-AI was talking about how there will be no need for coders and artists anymore because AI is getting so good, it will just replace those people. There were other people in the shop, and all of them got into a debate about whether AI will replace the people or not. The shopkeeper, Pritam and a few other customers vehemently denied that AI would replace any humans because they saw AI as a tool, that needs other humans to maintain it. If something made by AI is also breaks down, we will also require actual humans to fix it. I agreed. This is an argument you can’t deny. But he was also lamenting that the guy was quite adamant about the fact and was dismissing everyone’s opinion about it. We laughed at his naïveté and engaged more in the conversation of what actually is AI.

People intuitively know that there is nothing intelligent about AI but they find it hard to express how or why. I decided to show him this nifty new tool by google called https://quickdraw.withgoogle.com

This tool by google is actually a veiled effort by google to train their neural network to recognise human doodling. There is a quite a bit of gamification going on. The tool is like an online Pictionary, where the user is given a prompt and they have to draw it. The neural network accesses a database full with other doodles and tries to guess what the user is drawing. The user is given six prompts and after it, the tool shows the user the prompts and the drawings together along with other doodles users across the globe has done.

We played one game or one round, and I purposefully drew a few completely haphazard drawings so that the algorithm could not guess what I drew. It provided random guesses during the rounds. But after it shows the answers, We could see the algorithm was trying to pick a few lines from the haphazard doodles we have done and trying to calculate the probability of that shape be a labelled doodle from it’s database. Even if it has nothing to do with the prompt. Pritam realised by seeing the answers that the AI was trying to match our drawing with already existing doodles made by other humans. The database the AI have access to has doodles with their corresponding labels on it. When a user draws something, it checks the database and tries to match the drawing with a doodle already existing on the database. Since quite a few objects in the real world would look the same in a doodle format, the AI calculates the probability of a user-submitted drawing with various doodles it matches in the database. At the end it would return the label of the doodle with the highest probability match with the user-submitted drawing.

Here is an example of a correct guess:

Here is its reasoning:

Here is an example of a wrong guess:

Here is the reasoning for it:

So, All this rain had made my life a little difficult. I now understand why people don’t like their kitchen with a windows. The rain comes in. It would not have been a problem if I have not been using induction cookers. As an adhd girlie I do forget about things, so induction makes the most sense to me. It has a timer so I don’t have to worry about running the gas.

Both my induction cooker went bad due to short circuiting. The water got on, and I did not realise. So I was forced to cook in my instant pot. I was trying to get some services locally itself. My logic is simple, I want to support local businesses over casteist companies that takes insane amount of cut from the service providers.

I went to the market and asked around. This sweet old man with a paan goomti directed me towards Suman, an induction repair man in the para. How the local businesses work is, they either come collect from home, or we drop it off in their shop. Suman insisted he can come take it from my home. I agreed, it was convenient.

Suman came, took both my induction, and after that tried being touchy with me. Held my arms, pressed it around, I said no. He said as an excuse that he is a family man, and he does this as a joke. No harm done. I chose to believe him. But I said firmly again that I do not like to be touched. He asked for an advance and I paid 1000 rupees for it. I needed urgent repair and he promised to fix at least my prestige one (2000 INR in value) within three hours.

And he did. I gave the induction at around 8:30 am in the morning and He delivered a repaired induction by 12:30 pm on the same day. He asked for an extra 200 rupees and some advance for my other one, A Phillips one (5000 INR in value). I paid another 1000 rupees for the same. At this point he tried to initiate more touching. Touched my cheeks and chin and also my chest, which I rebuffed. I said again that I do not want to be touched. He then proceeded to ask about what I do, whether I make “films”, do I live anlone, and whether I have a boyfriend. He also said that he liked me. I refused to talk about my work, and said that me having a partener is none of his business, and I need the induction repaired. If he can’t do that, he can just return me the induction.

I really thought the problem would solve by this. One more repair, and I should be done with him. But He kept calling me about how he likes me and wants to come over sometimes to talk and be friends. I kept saying no. Then he said that the repair for the other induction would take 2200 INR above what I have already paid. And I denied. I could buy another induction with that money, albeit not as sophisticated as the Phillips one which has lasted me over 8 years. For me the induction has given enough service and I am not sentimental enough to try to fix it once more.

He would not take no for an answer. I have had multiple calls trying to refuse the service and his advancement of coming over to discuss the issue. I live in an apartment building with three floors with one flat in each floor. I live in the top floor, the middle is occupied by my landlady who is in her seventies and was out of Kolkata for the week. The lower flat was also rented out to two trans girls, who were also out of station for the weekend. I did not feel safe alone in the apartment. I went to a friend’s house, and due to some emerging work, I decided to stay over at hers. The next day morning I also had a full blown argument with the repair man, and I said that I don’t want the induction back, and he can keep it.

I did return to my apartment that day. Another friend also came over to keep me company, I did not tell her the whole story, but I did invite her, and I was a lot more secure in nosing that I am not alone. The next day morning. He kept calling so I, in a move of desperation, blocked his number.

Early next day I went to visit the old uncle in the goomty who referred me to him. For almost half an hour, I explained in detail to him and quite a few other shop owners there and some interested old men who hang around the shop about my ordeal. I have gotten agitated and raised my voice as well, and all they said is they will see to it.

Next day my landlady returned, with quite a few more extra members. So I was feeling quite more safer but there was a dread going on in the back of my head. He came over at around 11 am in the morning and just handed over the unrepaired induction. He also mumbled about working in the para and not wanting his reputation ruined. I did not let him in, did not open the door fully, and just took the induction in.

I later visited the uncle in the goomty and he confirmed that he and few other shopkeepers have cornered him, and gave him an earful about being “modest” and “professional”. I did not ask for details, and I was just glad the ordeal was seemingly over. They also asked me how much I paid, and whether they should ask him to return the extra 800 INR I paid. I said no. To me, the money was fair pay. Regardless of his behaviour, he did collect and deliver the cookers to and from my home, and I am happy to pay fees for a diagnostics. I do not care if the standard market rate is much less. I do want to pay fair labour wages, and that should not be discounted for harassment. And also, he is not going to be Richie rich by getting a few extra hundreds. My peace of mind was worth more than few bucks. The uncles did not say anything to my argument, just nodded their heads.

I am still kinda scared. I did not used to lock my door when going out to the market, but now I do. I do not wanna be surprised in my own home. I do not wanna feel powerless and unsafe in my own home. But I feel secure knowing that I can raise a voice in the para, and I will be heard.

I also think me going public in the local para and engaging in behaviour commonly associated with Hijda people (being loud and demanding solution in no abstract terms) helped me out. We trans women draw power from the Hijda people even if we are alone.

I also wanna mention that in India, according to NCRB database, more than 96% of reported sexual harassment and violation is perpetrated by people known to the victim. This issue is one of the rare cases that falls in the 4% of unknown people. In my personal experience so far, almost all sexual harassments I have faced, which went much further than this was almost always by people known to me, and in a few rare occasions, it was by a date or a client.

This is me putting my thoughts out in writing as a way to process this. Hopefully, my experience in this house and para stays u eventful in the future, because I really really like both the house and the para. Everyone calls me didi and gives me discounts in the market. This is the first bad incident and behaviour I have faced since I moved in April.

Oh I’m sure you had been hungry, I mean who hasn’t? To be honest, I wanted to add so before hungry; I needed to get some things off my chest.

Have you ever been so hungry, That the food you hated so much Felt like the best thing in the world? It stopped making your stomach lurch.

Have you ever been so hungry, That it just made you nauseated? But you couldn’t really puke, And tore your throat instead!

Have you ever been so hungry, Neither coffee nor nicotine could douse it? You curse any and all gods, For giving you an appetite

Have you ever been so hungry, That your mouth got progressively bitter? From you bile; and all you could do Was to make your belt tighter.

Have you ever been so hungry, That you punched yourself in the gut? And then you’re still hungry but also in pain? Yeah, that move wasn’t smart.

Have you ever been so hungry, That you just went to sleep? Hoping not to wake up tomorrow Because this life? it doesn’t come cheap.

Have you ever been so hungry, That you traded your body for a meal? It’s not a real choice, if that’s the only option! IDK about others, but this is what i feel.

Have you ever been so hungry, That you had to crawl back and beg To your abusers? undoing every progress; And that knocked you down another peg?

What do you know of starvation? Do you even know how to cook? Who are you to preach about shit, When all your dialogues come from a book?

You call me brave, powerful even, But also an uncouth ticking time bomb. I may not have the means as you, But you’ll never know where I’m coming from!

i am a town. you don’t need to know my name. i’m sure you have heard of it in passing, may be even came over and hated every bit of it. but it doesn’t really matter, unless you are sick. so sick from all the pollution and toxicity of your city life that your doctor says to you that you need to change the city for some time. and you ask back that you thought it was for old timey people and for people in the past, but your doctor assures you that it is very real and you have to get out of the city to survive.

then you start researching about wellness centres and destination travel, and eventually you come across me and something clicks. there has been at least someone in your life who have mentioned me to you, and you decide to come over.

you love me. you get to explore my different parts with a slowness you never knew could be possible. you roam around my main street, browsing books in the library or trinkets in the commercial district. you can watch movies in the cinema hall or watch plays in the theatre across. there is grass here and that is greener here. you can’t believe what you are seeing while exploring many of my secrets in sultry afternoon you have whispered in my ears how you are never going to leave me, how you are moving back here so you can be with me forever. stay here, take up work here. or maybe you just wanna plough me all day in your small patch. you think i’m fertile and you can grow gold. but all of those are talks. maybe bravado of a hopeful soul who just found out living like this was a possibility? i have freed you and you haven’t realised what this freedom entailed yet? in a way i think that is my fault. i have schools and colleges, but you came here to heal, not get educated. but i am bad at communication anyway, kids from my town often choose other colleges anyway. i doubt you’d like them either.

eventually you do get a grasp of things. collect yourself. sometimes it takes three months, sometimes three years. but eventually you leave. go back to the same city or to a different one. healed and ready to face the world. you promise me that you’ll come back and that you have to leave because the world is different and i won’t understand, how could i? i am already here and people here don’t wanna put up with me. i have become the mistress you won’t talk about to others. maybe your friends are now relieved that you don’t blast the daily chat about how moving to this town will solve all their life problems.

maybe you will come back from time to time, between your other affairs. and you know i’ll be here waiting for you. i can’t move on silly, i’m a town.

রোজ রাতে আমার ঠোঁটে যেন দুটো ঠোঁট আলতো করে নিজের ছোঁয়া লাগিয়ে মিশে যায়। প্রতিবার চোখ খুলে খুঁজতে চেষ্টা করেছি, তাকিয়ে খালি দেখেছি সিলিং আর সিলিং-এর বুকে পাখা। তাই এখন আর চোখ খুলি না। ছোঁয়াটা থেকে যায়, ঠোঁট মিলিয়ে যায়, মুখ পড়ে না মনে। জীবনে কত মানুষই তো এলো, গেছে সবই প্রায়। সকালে যে শহরের চেনা-অচেনা ব্যস্ততা দেখে বিষণ্নতা বুকে বাজে, সেটা রাত্রে এসে মনে করায় শূন্যতাকে, একাকিত্বকে।

সন্ধেবেলা ক্লান্তি ঠেলে যখন সেই নিজের বানানো পোড়া লাগা ঝিঙে পোস্ত আর মাইক্রোওয়েভে গরম করা বাসি ভাত প্লেটে ঢালি, মায়ের কথা বড্ড মনে পড়ে। আজকাল বড্ড নিজেকে স্কুলের প্রথম দিনের বাচ্চাদের মতন লাগে। মায়ের কাছে যাওয়ার কথা মনে পড়ে, মাছের ঝোল দিয়ে ভাত খেতে ইচ্ছে করে, বাবার সাথে বাজারে গিয়ে রুই-কাতলা দরদাম করতে ইচ্ছে করে। নিজের অসফল খাবারের প্লেটের দলাগুলো মুখে নিয়ে একমনে ভেবে যাই এসব। আচ্ছা, মা খেয়েছে তো? আর বাবা? ওষুধপত্র ঠিক করে খায় তো? দুজনেরই তো হাই প্রেসার, বাবার আবার কোমরে স্পন্ডিলাইটিস, মায়ের পায়ে আর্থরাইটিস। বুড়ো-বুড়ি দুটোর জন্য খুব মন কেমন করে।

ছোট ছিলাম তখন, ভেবেছিলাম এই পৃথিবীটা এতোই বড়, সবটা দেখতে হলে পাখি হতে হবে। পাখি হয়েছি। পাখি হয়ে ঘর ছেড়েছি। ছেড়েছি আরো অনেক সুখ, মনের মানুষ, রাগ-বিরাগের আবেগ, মান-অভিমানের লোকজনদের, কঠিন কত সম্পর্ক, মিষ্টি কিছু ভালোবাসা, মন ছুঁয়ে যাওয়া কত বন্ধুত্ব... সবকিছু পাখি হবো বলে। এই এতো বড় পৃথিবীতে প্রচুর পাখি ওড়ে ঠিকই, সবার কি নাম হয়? সবার কি ঠিকানা হয়?

দিনের শেষে সব পাখি বাড়ি ফেরে। ঘরে ফেরার দিন কি সব ফেরত আসে? মানুষ গুলো, মুখ গুলো, আবেগ গুলো, ইচ্ছে গুলো, ভালোলাগা গুলো, ঝগড়া গুলো... সবটা না হোক কিছুটা কি ফিরে পাওয়া যায়? কেউ কি সদর দরজায় দাঁড়িয়ে বলবে “এসো মা, ঘরে এসো”? কে জানে!

Apps Suck

Labonno was rolling on the floor. Parul was not expecting her to react this way. She was expecting Labonno to be more sympathetic towards her predicament about dating apps. Labonno took couple weeks before visiting Parul again.

In the meantime, Parul has matched with quite a few men. But almost all of them has either ghosted her, or turned out to be some kind of creep.

“You are such a cute little girl”, Labonno was kicking her feet up. “You know, I’m almost 24 now. I’m not so little, it has been like 8 years since we met.”

“There, there” Labonno was on her feet again patting Parul’s head. “You are just hopeless when it comes to talking to men. Also… a bit… desperate” Labonno said the last part very carefully.

“But I am desperate.” Parul said meekly, “At least, that’s honest.”

“Sure,” Labonno said, “But not everyone needs to know that, you just need to find a man also desperate enough to marry you.”

Parul bit her lips. She was not sure whether the last part was an insult or just a fact. Labonno can be very blunt sometimes. Parul decided to get clarity on something that has been bothering her for

– “Labonno” – “Yes” – “Do you have a partner?” – “I don’t run a business.” – “I mean like are you single or taken” – “Why do you need to know?” – “Just trying to figure out whether you can actually help or not.” – “You asked for my help, It was not my idea.” – “I know, I was just, I don’t know, you don’t seem like the type who likes men.” – “Well, I don’t” – “So, like how can you help me get a match with a man?”

Labonno laughed again, it was a hearty laughter.

“Why does it matter? All relationships are essentially the same thing”.

Parul was flabbergasted. This was not what she was expecting. “How do you mean, they are the same?” She asked back.

“Well, if you look at it, all relationships require someone to take care of the house and someone to earn a living. The genders of the partners might change, but the roles stay the same” Labonno replied.

– “That’s kinda regressive, what if both of them work? and divide on the chores?” – “Yeah, that happens, albeit rare. But that’s more like roommates with benefits than a marriage. People generally marry for three reasons: one, to get a free labourer for home while they advance their career two, Someone to breed their lineage with three, To climb to a higher social status by virtue of marrying into it or through their kid. For you the men won’t get the second two options. You are much more likely to get a husband sooner if you are to be a homemaker trophy women. Men tend to like younger women, and you are conventionally pretty.”

Parul only heard the part ‘conventionally pretty’ and has already blocked out whatever Labonno said beforehand.

“Hihi thankssss” Parul was giddy. She handed her phone over to Labonno, “You are the expert, do whatever you want. Get me a match”

“You only heard the pretty part, didn’t you?” Labonno was laughing. “You trans women are so traditional and detached from any kinda feminist ideology.”

– “Labonno…”, Parul was more put together now. – “Yes, Parul” – “You make a lot of sweeping generalisations” – “Yes, those are fun to make in jest, but all situations and people must be treated as a case by case basis. It is just easier to generalise when you personally don’t know them. Like for people on the internet” – “I don’t get it, but it’s okay, I am a dumb woman anyway” – “Parul”, Labonno’s face was stern. “You are now forbidden from making self-deprecating jokes. You are not dumb and never had been.” – “Whatever you say” Parul was covering her smile with her hands. She was not sure about the feelings in her belly. It was like a queasy feeling but something that didn’t feel ill. Parul chalked it up to her bad eating habits.

Labonno sat with Parul for the next three hours sorting through various matches in a few dating apps. The men there were pretty quick to reply. However, many of them unmatched quickly as soon as they realised Parul is a trans woman. Quite a few just flat out asked if she is a prostitute and if she is, what would be her charges for a night. Labonno grimaced and was trying to hex them, but she didn’t know enough personal information about the men to do that.

Some of the men agreed that they are fascinated by trans women and kept praising how brave Parul is. But Labonno again unmatched straight away with those men and that created a fight between her and Parul. Labonno was insistent those men are just fetishising the experience of Parul, but Parul refused to agree. Labonno eventually heaved a sigh of disbelief and said, “You know what, it would serve you best if you experienced some of these things yourself, who am I to deny you trauma you are set to inflict upon yourself?”

Soon enough, Parul was inundated with questions like whether she has ‘the surgery’ or not, how big her penis is, and whether a man sucking on Parul’s dick would make him gay even though Parul is a trans woman.

Quite a large number of straight men were expecting Parul to fuck them and that was making Parul question her own femininity. Labonno refused to engage. She said, “I’m not your mother, you need to navigate this yourself.” She seemed a bit aloof to Parul, who was getting anxious at the detachment of Labonno.

Labonno did point out that subby straight men are normal and getting pegged doesn’t demean either their masculinity or Parul’s femininity. Parul just comes with pegging machinery pre-attached. But Parul was quite distracted and dysphoric and was on the verge of crying.

“I don’t go on dating apps for this, I never have a good experience” Parul was almost sobbing.

Labonno hugged Parul from behind. She didn’t say anything this time. It was a tight hug with a lot of warmth. Labonno’s head was near Parul’s shoulder and she could feel Labonno’s warm breath in her neck. Parul held Labonno’s hand and broke down in silent cries.

Labonno didn’t offer any words of comfort, but she also didn’t say “I told you so”. She was just there, holding Parul, while she was having a breakdown after a very long time. Parul hated feeling vulnerable around other people. Especially Labonno. She wanted Labonno to make some sarcastic comments, but Labonno didn’t. Parul lost track of time for how long she was crying. Eventually when she got herself together, and withdrew herself from Labonno’s arms, Labonno softly said, “Go wash you face, I’m gonna prepare some food for you”

Parul wanted to argue and say she doesn’t need her, but no words came out. She did manage to say eventually that she isn’t really feeling any appetite at all. But Labonno rebuffed her. She took out a pouch from somewhere on her person that Parul has never seen before. “I’m making a special tea for you. Trust me, you’ll feel better and will get back the appetite. Now go to the bathroom.”

Parul took a bit of time in the bathroom, and when she came back, Labonno was still preparing the tea. She took out a highball glass Parul forgot she had. It now had water, and a herb with thin pointy blade like leaves, and purple leaves in the stem. It looked scary.

“That doesn’t look like a tea” Parul was trying to converse casually as if she didn’t have a breakdown over dating apps a few minutes back.

“Not yet”, Labonno said calmly. “This is Chiretta, it takes overnight to prepare. If you boil, it will have different properties.”

“Am I supposed to drink it tomorrow?” Parul was thinking of flushing it down the toilet the next morning.

“You forget you are with a witch, this is a simple magic” Labonno said calmly.

“All magic is about equivalent exchange, If I need to harness the power of natural energy, I need to offer something in return, as an accelerant.” Labonno said as matter of fact, that Parul couldn’t really understand.

“I don’t think I have ever seen you use magic other than teleporting” Parul was curious.

Labonno did a curt nod. “Well there is always a first time for everything. But shush now, I need to concentrate. Magic is also about intentionality”

Parul sat down on a chair with wide eyes like a child. The excitement of seeing magic made her forget about the breakdown she had.

Labonno was uttering somethings in a tone of whisper that Parul could not make out. Labonno whispered it for some time, and eventually she took out her right hand and bit on the tip of her ring finger. Blood drops that looked like glistening rubies gathered on the pointy nail that Labonno had on her ring finger. Then she put just the tip of the nail into the water. The blood instantly got mixed with the water but instead of it being brown or red in colour, it glowed with a shimmer. Labonno kept rotating her finger inside the glass in a circular motion and soon enough a whirlpool was forming inside the glass. Yet the herb looked like it was in still water but aging quickly. The glow eventually stopped. The water has become quite murky and dark greenish, and the herbs were not really visible anymore. Some of it was floating and looked a bit slimy.

“Drink this” Labonno offered the glass to Parul. Parul took a sip and instantly was aghast. “It’s so bitter” Parul muttered.

“It is. It is called the king of bitters, but it is very useful. I collect it from a friend. It has become quite rare now. Don’t waste it, it costs an arm and leg, you can pinch your nose while you drink it.” Labonno seems excited about the herb.

Parul didn’t want to drink it a bit, but she also didn’t wanna disappoint Labonno. She pinched her nose and chugged the bitter murky water in one go. Labonno took out the slimy looking herbs. “I have also fixed some khichdi for you, I remember it being your comfort food”

“Labonno…” Parul began to speak. Labonno was looking at her with a gaze of care Parul hasn’t seen for a long time. “These apps fucking suck, but I think, with you on my side, it might just suck a little less.”

freedom from?

Many things.

One such thing is the “di” and the “da” Not dida. Di and Da.

The custom of marking who popped out of a vagina before you by an honorific. A mark of respect for the coincidence that the other person was born before you.

It does not matter what they did with their life.

It does not matter what personality they have.

Bully, cruel, asshole. Whatever that person might be. Our culture says that the main thing to remember is who was born before. And that should be the metric for assumed and automatic respect.

I hate it. I do not want automatic respect because I was born before someone else. I do not want to give automatic respect to someone because they were born before me.

Getting birthed before someone is not an achievement. It isn't merit.

No “da”. No “di”. That's what I want freedom from.

There are bigger things: patriarchy, capitalism, colonialism, brahmanism, etc. I want freedom from. But hey on the way, lose the da and the di. Respect all for their actions. Or don't. I am not the boss of you!

-Bhumika Arya, M.Sc. Economics and Analytics

Christ University, NCR

India is home to the world's largest tribal population, with 697 tribal groups and communities across the country (as per the Anthropological Survey of India). Each tribal group is distinct and has its own culture, art, handicrafts, and other distinctive characteristics, as well as a very sustainable and environmentally beneficial way of living. Indian tribes have a lot of potentials to be excellent entrepreneur assets to the Indian economy because of their rich culture and art, therefore making them a crucial element of the workforce for economic progress. Tribal handicrafts not only display tribal craftspeople’s unique culture but also provide a source of income for them. What distinguishes tribal handicraft from modern handicraft is that tribal artisans create their art and handicraft using resources from their indigenous lands and surroundings, which not only make tribal handicraft unique but also demonstrates how local resources can be used to their full potential by the creativity and culture of these tribal artists. Despite their rich art and handicrafts, tribal artisans and entrepreneurs have failed to reach their expected efficient growth over the decades after independence. One of the main reasons is scheduled tribes being the economic and social minorities and facing discrimination by the majority and privileged members of society for decades during and after colonial rule. Machine made products always have had an edge over the hand made product industries, this is mainly because of such products having good quality and being less costly as compared to hand made products. In this era of capitalisation and consumerism, fast fashion brands have taken over the traditional industries of art, fashion, clothes and jewellery. Everything is being produced at bulk level for consumers by these brands, mainly because they employ large capital and machineries which makes their products efficient and also large production costs less. Consumerism has increased the demand for each and every product and services. Brutal competition faced by fast fashion and mainstream brands: Tribal artisans, are expected to face brutal competition from fast fashion brands, this is mainly because, fast fashion brands have huge capital invested, larger parts of markets are already captured by them, it becomes immensely hard for tribal entrepreneurs to set their foot in this competition and their survival. How Tribal Entrepreneurs can help in the economic growth of India? Entrepreneurs are vital to the economy because they aid in the acceleration of economic growth by uniting the forces of production to produce goods and services. Any economy must develop a sense of entrepreneurship in its citizens for the country's resources to be utilized to their full potential. Understanding of Tribal economy can help us understand the economic and entrepreneurship behaviors concerning Indian Tribes, helping government in creating and implementing policies for SSIs n Tribal population and sensitizing consumers to include tribal products and services in their consumption. In terms of India's economic history, we can see how trade played a significant role in India for numerous centuries, even before the advent of western industrialization. All over Asia and some areas of Africa, India is known for its commerce in traditional handicrafts, art, and jewellry. Indian tribes and artisans have been playing an important role as producers of handicrafts ever since the ancient period. Before independence, Indian handicrafts (including tribal handicrafts) were in big demand across the countries. During colonial period, these industries were destroyed by british government’s Discriminatory tariff policies and Systematic deindustralisation. After independence India tried to gain back its tribal economy and handicraft industries, through many plans and policies. Government funds have been allocated for tribal development in almost every 5 year plans, mainly focusing on increasing the productivity and conditions of tribal farmers and their indigenous farming practices and helping them in training and skill development programmes Tribal artisans hold vast cultural assets in form of art, in this era of brutal competition in globalisation, it’s very easy for non-tribal brands to copy tribal designs and sell, which makes tribal entrepreneurs vulnerable and at risk, as their own art may not belong to them as some Big brand companies already took copyrighted claims over the designs. So it becomes very important to educate tribal entrepreneurs on their rights, and how they can have copyrights and patents over their cultural art, designs and products. Indian tribal entrepreneurs have a lot of potential, skills, and talent, and the growth of Indian tribal entrepreneurship is good for the Indian economy, societal norms, and it also means that Indian tribal culture, art, and skills will be preserved. Despite all of this, they continue to struggle to exist in global marketplaces. They are susceptible and at risk of failing to survive in the market due to competition from large firms. In addition to being protected by numerous rules, tribal entrepreneurs must also develop their abilities to keep up with the changing digital world and receive consumer support in order to maintain a secure position in the market. Investors must recognise tribal business talent and future opportunities before investing in their ideas and businesses. All of these can ensure the holistic growth of India's tribal tribes, as well as the development of this nation's marginalized sect. Consumers need to educate themselves to make better consumer decisions and buy from tribal artists instead of buying tribal products stolen from big and foreign brands. Support should be given to tribal artisans on online platforms and online selling websites, to better create sensitization among consumers. Moreover legal aid should be given to tribal artisans and entrepreneurs if they see other brands copying their designs and art. Angel investors and the public can play an important role to invest in the business ideas of tribal people and help their business to grow and be able to compete at nationals and international level. Capital funding and easy availability of credit through online methods need to be made accessible to tribal artisans and entrepreneurs for their business.

References

1. Mitra, A. (2008). The status of women among the scheduled tribes in India. Journal of Socio-economics, 37, 1202-1217.
2. Subramanyam, P.V. (2020). Social Exclusion, Inclusion, Integration and Development of Tribes in India: Anthropological Holistic Perspective.
3. Meena, Ms. & Chaturvedi, Ankita & Gupta, Sachin. (2021). OPPORTUNITIES IN TRIBAL ENTREPRENEURSHIP & MSMES.
4. Srivastav, Nirankar & Syngkon, Rickey. (2010). Marketing Management and Entrepreneurship Development in a Tribal Dominated Economy: A Case Study of Small Scale Industries in East Khasi Hills District of Meghalaya, India. SSRN Electronic Journal. 10.2139/ssrn.1817302.
5. Dr. Devath Suresh (2014) TRIBAL DEVELOPMENT THROUGH FIVE YEAR PLANS IN INDIA – AN OVERVIEW.
6. D.C. Sah, Ashish Bhatt, Tapas K. Dalapati (2008) CHRONIC POVERTY IN REMOTE RURAL AREAS
7. Ram Pravesh (2016) CHALLENGES AND OPPORTUNITIES OF TRIBAL ENTREPRENEURSHIP IN INDIA
8. Holt, D. B. (2002). Why Do Brands Cause Trouble? A Dialectical Theory of Consumer Culture and Branding. Journal of Consumer Research, 29(1), 70–90. https://doi.org/10.1086/339922 Neha Sharma, and Dr. Ruchi Goyal. (2017). “PRADHAN MANTRI JAN DHAN YOJANA (PMJDY) – A CONCEPTUAL STUDY.”International Journal of Research – Granthaalayah, 5(4), 143-152. Ministry of Tribal Affairs- Government of India https://tribal.nic.in

Harder than it looks.

Parul has never been more frustrated with witches and their shenanigans more in her life. In the last month alone Labonno has teleported unannounced inside the house multiple times a week. She seems enthusiastic about matching Parul up with a man.

“You know, I have read bloodsuckers are nicer, they ask before they get inside a house.” Parul has scorned at Labonno once.

“Well bloodsuckers don’t wait around to collect their debts” Labonno snapped back.

Parul didn’t say anything, it was already worse that Labonno was invading her private space more than normal. She didn’t wanna start an argument again.

“Why are you sending that hand icon as soon as you get a match? that makes you look lazy and desperate.” Labonno said looking over Parul’s shoulder. Parul was just swiping on a dating app.

“I mean what else am I supposed to do?” Parul asked meekly.

“Don’t text them first. Ever” Labonno was stern. “You are looking for a husband. Not a lover.”

Parul wasn’t expecting this line of thought from Labonno. “Are they separate? I thought you marry someone you love.”

Labonno was chuckling. “No silly girl, you marry for social status, not love. If people married for love, the world would have been very different.”

“I’m sorry, I wish to be married to someone who loves me. That’s the dream of every girl.” Parul retorted.

Labonno laughed. It was a dry laughter. As if she was frustrated with the naïveté of Parul. “Do I need to remind you that you were not even planning to get married, you wanted a husband to get the adoption process going.”

“Yes, but since I’m getting married, I thought…” Parul interjected but Labonno cut her off. “I’m not done.” Labonno continued, “Your government allows couples to adopt, that is the social status you get from being married. Your focus should be getting my debt paid off. Not side quests like love.” Labonno took a pause but held up the right index finger to not let Parul cut in. “Also, you don’t find love when you seek it out. You need love to find you. Which is not gonna be possible for you given how you spend all your days cooped up in this tiny home”

Parul had no words to say. Labonnos words cut deep, but at the same time there wasn’t any lies in what she said. Parul couldn’t argue back so she decided to focus more on the app and started swiping aggressively.

Soon enough, the app showed a message saying Parul has exhausted all her available free swipes and whether she would like to buy a premium subscription to continue swiping. Parul heaved a sigh of frustration.

“Maybe I should buy a subscription.” Parul said to herself. She then turned to Labonno and said, “Maybe it’s time for you to go, there’s nothing more gonna happen. I ran out of swipes and I’m not gonna pay money for matches”

Labonno didn’t say anything. She just teleported with a crack. Parul heaved a sigh of defeat and lied down on the floor. Trying to get a match while someone was looking over her shoulder has given her a lot of anxiety and it was only now dawning on her that this situation is likely to get even worse.

Parul didn’t realise how long it has been till she got a notification from her phone. A match has texted her back.

Parul looked at the message from the notification. It said, “girl you look hella fine, what do I do to call you mine?”

Parul cringed at the message, and instantly took a screenshot of the notification to send it to Labonno before realising that witch doesn’t use a smartphone.

Parul opened the app, and quickly typed, “Awwwwwwww, you can put a ring on me, and call me whatever you want.”

As soon as she sent the text, the match started typing. the three dots kept popping up and down for a good amount of five minutes. Vanishing in the middle for couple times. The waiting was crucifying. Parul’s mind raced around to figure out what possibly could he be writing that takes so much time. After a while a sole word popped up.

“Bet”.

Parul was confused. All that typing to write just this? She didn’t know what to write back to this message. She thought for a bit, and typed out, “I don’t mind if you take me to dinner first though.” and hit send.

She immediately got the response from the app that “You can’t send messages to this person anymore”. It took a bit of time for Parul to realise she has been unmatched. Parul was angry now. Why bother writing something that you obviously don’t mean? She through her phone in frustration and decided to make herself a bowl of cereal. She kinda missed Labonno now. She really wanted to know how would Labonno react to this interaction. She hurried back to her phone again and picked it up to take a screenshot for reference. Then she realised the app deleted the chat as well when the dude unmatched. She was inside the chat window so the app couldn’t say anything to her face, but once she exited the app, it made sure to make it look like no such interaction occurred.

Parul went to the app store and gave the app a one star review out of spite. It was late. She needed to cook dinner. So she decided to be mature, and hurried off to peel vegetables. She was seething, but she was also looking forward to venting to Labonno.