unfettered thoughts

there is this concept in philosophy called meta-knowledge.

it’s about the knowledge about the knowledge. what you know you know. what you know that you do not know. you also know what others need and you also know what you want to know.

sounds simple enough. but it isn’t. not all knowledge are necessary. you don’t need to know everything. if i had a partner and the partner cheated on me while being with me, even though that knowledge will give me closure or a sense of understanding, i do not think i will be mentally able to handle the confirmation. so yes, i would not need to know it.

but enough about what i do not need to. what do i need to know? i think all i need to know is about myself. i need to know who i am, when all of my identities are taken away. i want to know whether i am the person because i was born or i am the person because of the environment. i need to know about how my body works, and i need to know how can i have most control over my body. i need to know what emotions i am capable of having and how to navigate around those.

i know enough about others. i do not know enough about myself. why do i do the things i do. why do i think the things i do. why do i take decisions in certain way. why am i in a balanced emotional sense and see clearly when i am in a crisis.

see, this is the problem. i feel normal around crisis. i can make decisions clearly, i can think clearly, i can be more logical. but i can’t always be in crisis to access this mode. i need to be able to access this on call, anytime i need.

medicines help, i am on prozac, and i can do things i was not really able to. i can get off bed when i want to, i can just call and talk to people if i want to, i don’t feel as bad about my body image on meds. but meds also do not help. i do not intend to keep taking meds. i do not wanna be dependent on the meds.

i want this feeling to stay. i wanna be like regular people, function normally, function regularly. have a grasp on my emotions. make decisions in a clear and concise manner. if i had the means to make my ideas into reality, would foolish or lofty ideals stay that way? what is the price of knowing the path to execution?