unfettered thoughts

somedays i just feel so lonely. i have so so much to say but i am always worried i will not be understood.

this fear of not being understood drives me crazy. i wanna say things, i wanna shout things from the rooftop, i wanna whisper things to my husband’s ears lying on his chest. or just break down sharing things without being worried about how i will be seen.

i want to be seen, as me, the helpless, baby me. i can do things yes, but i also can not do things most others can. i do not want that part to be ignored or worried about. i want it to be accepted, as me. it changes nothing about who i am.

but i can’t share. i can’t. i don’t know what stops me. maybe the fear of how i’ll be perceived. maybe the fear that people won’t love me anymore once they see me. the real me. the me that i am when nobody is seeing. me all by myself, me in my broken, cobbled together, imperfect self. may be that’s why i can’t share. or maybe it just dredges up way too much unsavoru memory that i have locked up long ago, told myself that they don’t define me anymore and moved on. maybe it’s just the fear that i am not the person i project out to be, and the person i do not project is too much for anyone to handle. what then?

i also don’t wanna be the weird one living alone with the cats at the edge of the village. it might sound romantic but from my personal experience, that is a quite lonely existence. i would not feel alive not surrounded by my loved ones.

may be that’s why i carry on doing what i do. maybe that’s why i can’t say things i wanna say. i don’t wanna be left out. i want to be there, smiling and serving food to the family gathering. maybe i’ll tell the stories later. or not. time will tell.