unfettered thoughts

i am running on autopilot. i don’t recognise my body. i don’t know what is going on with me. i don’t know what i feel. everything is jumbled in my head. i don’t remember events unless i try really really hard. all memories from the last couple years seem fuzzy.

i have been tired as long as i can remember. i couldn't sleep as child, as a teen, as an adult. i couldn’t eat, i couldn’t do a lot of things. but i could recite whole books from memory by age two even before learning to read, which meant the people around me took it as amusement rather than a sign of lack of development. i had so much issues that are so clearly neurodivergent. i spoke too soon getting out in the world, i had issues with food, took my mother a few hours to feed me anything. i wouldn’t sleep at time, i would stay up all night. i wouldn’t allow touches. so much so that i would even cry and kick people if i was transferred to someone else. i didn’t try to run away from my parents always tho. however, i hated their touches as well, eventually i deeply hated touches from my parents also. to show affection, they’d often hug me or cuddle me without any notice and that made hella uncomfortable. so much so that sometimes i get that flashback in relationships. trust me it’s not fun. i don’t know how to talk about that. i wanna be touched by my partner, but i can’t tell them certain touches reminds me of certain things i am not so proud about?

i sure have adhd. i can never keep attention. like as a kid i got marks deducted from papers solely for “silly mistakes” teachers kept saying if i only paid more attention. but i’m literally unable to. i can’t control it. i have learned to pay more attention to things, but i still get distracted.

i think adhd makes me more tired. it is like the brain is constantly on work. i am trying to get to a routine so that some of the work gets automated, and i do not have to worry about those maybe. that is why i want a routine badly. i am already doing things on autopilot but they’re not predefined. i want to do regular tasks that i need to do daily to be automated.

but yeah, i’m burnt out. i have been taking care of others for some time now. my house had been full with people. i didn’t have to always cook for them, but i absolutely had to clean up after them. also, i do not like touches, a 2 bhk full with 7-8 people means touches are inevitable. i didn’t have space for relaxing or my own privacy.

privacy is a huge issue in my life. i have never had any. in the village i share the bedroom with grandparents/parents/cousins. with my parents, i shared it with my younger brother. i have lived all my life in hostel, and people would come over to my bed at night to force themselves on me. i crave for privacy. i want closed doors. i can’t share bed with anyone but the person i trust. i DO NOT wanna share my bed. it makes me uncomfortable, vulnerable, and i feel like i can’t breathe. i do not wanna share the house also. I am never gonna get unknown roommates. i don’t trust people.

you know, people call me a genius. i don’t think that’s true though. i feel everyone sees what they want to see. i do catch information and process them faster, but that’s mainly because i used to be a voracious reader so i read a lot of books and i can just connect the topics. to people it seems like a huge thing, but i feel this comes natural to everyone. idk, i’m just making connections between things. but people wouldn’t leave me alone. they just assume i know things. and if i do not know, it gets stressful. i do not want that. i can’t know everything. that is not possible. to be honest there are things i actively try to not know. not all knowledge is necessary. sometimes ignorance is great.

i have been taking care of people as long as i can remember. i have been managing home since fifteen years old. i can make perfectly round rotis, and amazing alu-posto. no one in our house cooks khichudi as good as me. i can help people with their work, i don’t have a degree, but trust me i can just learn how to do your work, and help you out. i can hold conversations in any topic, i can clean, i can get your friends snacks, i can mix amazing cocktails. i can pack really efficiently, i can fold clothes, make bed, i can do all homemaking stuff. and i offer it for everyone i love.

i am not complaining. i want to do this. i want to care for people i love. i just wish that you see me. you see me doing all the labour. all this service for you so that you don’t have to. i want to take up on the mundane so you can focus on doing what you do best. all i wish is that you come back to me, put your arm around me and put my head on your shoulder and tell me how much you appreciate me for taking care of the small things. but that never happens, ever.

like homemaking is a huge chunk of work. you spend most of your time in your home. homemaking is the primary job there. we need to keep our houses a favourable environment for us. even on a depressed lonely day with low productivity, it is at least two to three hours worth of work to manage a home. a well running home with everything organised and cleaned with multiple meals is whole days worth of work. and there is literally no vacation. i have been talking to fellow homemakers, and all of us are complaining about not being seen for the work we do.

i feel this is not done. we make homes a loving home, we make homes a safe space for you to heal. we provide unconditional support when external stressors affect you. we want appreciation, validation, we want to be seen. for the silent labour we put in our homes. we don’t want our love’s labour to be taken for granted.

this year, i couldn’t fall asleep even if i tried very hard. i was exhausted, yet i would stay up for 28-30 hours non stop. i couldn’t sleep. my shoulders would get numb and i couldn’t move them. it felt like millions of needles piercing my joints, yet i couldn’t sleep.

i now know that i was burnt out. i still am. i still am struggling to sleep. i have nothing to give anymore, i am completely empty. my brain is blank most of the times. sometimes i do not even recognise what my body parts are doing. sometimes i do some things and then i take note of what exactly i did. i say things and i don’t even understand what i meant. life has become reactionary. instead of planning beforehand what to do, i am waiting for things to happen to react to that.

i have been fulfilling other people’s needs so much they have started expecting things from me that violate my personal boundaries. i feel like i have turned into a doormat for other people who just demand care and withhold love if i’m unable to meet it. i have felt so lonely managing everything and not having anyone to talk to, i feel like i’m going mad. i am tired of always standing on the edge of a cliff and be feared of messing up.

i want attention. i don’t wanna be a silent worker. if i do work for you and you don’t appreciate it, it makes me feel small, like you expect me to do it anyway, like what ever i had or wanted doesn’t matter. i exist for your work only. i hate that. i want you to see me, i want you to see the small things i do for you.

i would like to rest. i can’t go on anymore. i’d like to take a pause. i would like you to take care of me, but if you can’t, i understand. my purpose in your life is over now.

i want my partner to be here. i want my partner to tell me, “i see you, you can rest now, i can manage things” but that will never happen. i want to be babied, fed in the bed, taken care of, to be read stories to, kissed on the spine, and lots and lots of cuddle with his body weight on me. i want him to love me, kiss my forehead, wipe my tears and tell me he won’t abandon me just because i am difficult to love right now. i want him to squeeze me as i squirm to get out of his touch while secretly wishing it never ends.

is it too much to ask to be taken care of?