unfettered thoughts

my ex-partner thinks i’m asexual. i disagree. he says asexual people can want to have sex. i do agree with that. but i don’t feel i am. does that make sense?

he says people who do not consider sex as something to be ticked off the list is asexual. in that way, maybe i am. i feel sex gets way too much value, in reality it’s a pretty nice experience. it’s like a game. you can play single player, co-operative, or multiplayer. it is entertaining, and it passes the time really really well. it is also quite a lot of exercise to be honest, quite tiring, hunger inducing exercise. but honestly, there are better highs. and i’m not talking about just heroin.

i feel in that regard love is like a book. i don’t think love is an inherent emotion. i think love is a learned emotion. however, it is deregulated, as in we cannot control when to fall in love and when fall out of. however a lot of that love is just infatuation. infatuation of new information.

say you picked up the book based on public demand or reviews or maybe even the cover, but as you delve deeper into the stories, your infatuation grows. if it engulfs you, you can’t even put it down. but it does come to an end. it can come at the end or even abruptly in the middle as well. i couldn’t read the witcher books beyond couple chapters because it was triggering for me. so my infatuation died. But i have read lord of the rings in three days. and my infatuation with it ended as soon as it ended.

but here is the thing; by the time i finished lord of the rings, i knew i wanted to keep this book forever with me. so, i feel that’s when my love started. which meant caring for the book, keeping it safe, taking the characters and creating my own world with them, talking to other fans, and seeing their worlds, writing fanfics, by delving deeper into the lore and engaging and by figuring out new things i learned to love it in a new way.

I learned to love the book through reading and took active care to keep my love sustained. i am always happy to talk about lord of the rings. i carry the story with me in my heart. i can’t indulge in it much, but that’s okay. the love doesn’t go away.

i can read the book again and again. i can now do it in one and half days on bad days, one day in a good day. but that’s besides the point. i can never feel the same gratification i had when i first read the books. but i had a lot of fun with new things that came out, like the movies. or the book sequences. new stories, same world.

loving humans are kinda like that. first you have the infatuation. you have the butterflies in your stomach. you wanna know more about each other and spend all your time together.

but it ends. once you get to know the person in all entirety you can’t be infatuated anymore. the butterflies end, you can try to do things you did with them again and again, but it will feel boring and you’ll question whether it is worth it. which means, now you need to learn how to love that person. now their story has ended. now it’s time to start your own together. you write that story with each other. what you do not know you ask, what you know you share. you learn to take care, learn to be vulnerable, learn to handle attachment, learn to do things together. by talking and doing things you know each other, being loved is being known. when you’re known and they love you still, they’re a keeper.

and it is not true just for romantic love, if you want to build a life surrounded by people who love you in different capacities, you have to be known. you’ll be known to different people in different roles, but they’d love you nonetheless, in their different capacities.

what happens when you also figure this out as well? i don’t know. i have never been there. i am still trying to be known. i want someone to do the hard work of learning to love me. i want to be seen by my lover. i want to not be necessarily understood, but to see him try again and again. i want stability, i want constancy.

i am tired of people leaving when things get harder. i’m tired of people giving up because this now takes additional work. i’m tired of people doing shitty things to get out of things because they can’t be bothered to learn. everyone wants to chase the high. i’m tired of it.

i don’t want promises. i want to see effort. i want to see work. i don’t want minced words. i want clarity. i want boundaries. i want security. anyway, guess too much to ask.