unfettered thoughts

yes, that’s my sexuality. my sexuality has been fluid as far as I remember. The education in a missionary residential school insinuated that I was wrong and unnatural for loving a boy. Getting called out in an assembly line was the death of me back then. I kinda chuckle nowadays thinking of that.

I have been assaulted all my life. I have internalised almost all of it as natural. Liberal colleges told me that’s not natural. But they also insinuated may be I’m gay because I got assaulted so many times.

I had been worried about it since. I don’t find loving men unnatural, I don’t think it’s because of continuous sexual abuse either. The first time I remember of it, I was five years old. He wanted me to play with his dick. The last time I remember it, I was twenty-three. I didn’t want to. He overpowered me.

But hey, I loved all those men. I don’t love them anymore. But at one point I did. This love was not sexual either. It’s just that I found them intriguing, pretty, interesting. Maybe I was also jealous of seeing them own their boyhood. Something I have struggled to come to terms with till I came out as a tranny. But I do feel great seeing men owning their boyhood. Maybe that’s why I have so many trans-masc friends. Like yes you go boyo, enjoy that gender I never could, never felt at home.

I have had a change of sexuality multiple times. I have been all the letters in the LGBTQIA+. But I do realise now that I was actually always in love with gayboys. Just faggoty twinkcore manwhores. I just think they’re neat.

One of my most favourite bands are Arctic Monkeys. All of them are twink bottoms. Their songs aren’t inherently masculine, but are for yearnings that can fit any gender. No wonder they had been a staple since I found out about them in a 2004 book of facts.

Enrique is another of my early love. Looking back at my teenage, I was definitely into boys with a scruffy no-care attitude. From Ricky Martin to Enrique Iglesias to Emraan Hashmi. All of them sported a similar look. I had been a mad fan of Ricky Martin since the ‘98 livin’ la vida loca song. My village is mad about football, and this song played on the radio way too much. So when Ricky Martin came out as gay, I got to know this possibility exists. And if he can, then may be I also can?

Music and Boy Bands has also been a staple in my life apart from the famous gay pop artists. Yes I am a Britney gay, and yes Gaga too. But man have you seen def leppard or any heavy rock band perform with their open shirts, heavy make-up and tight pants? I used to run a John Mayer fanpage on Myspace during school breaks, on a dial up commection. I even got free tickets to his concerts, as well as Gaga’s too. I could never go, but that was a huge deal when I was fifteen.

Then I had a emo phase. Everything was black and doomy. I blamed it on Growing pains and lack of puberty. But then again you need to look at Davey Havik or Patrick Stump to realise, I may have changed genre, but didn’t change my choice in men. As I went through a much later, medicine induced puberty, My choice also changed. I switched over to bumbling boy bands. From One Direction to DNCE to Fun to Maroon5.

As I went to college, I suddenly had access to fast internet for the first time. I dived deep into movies. I was already thirsting over Daniel Craig and Emraan Hashmi. Now I could check all their movies out. And there was another new obsession too. Internationally acclaimed ubermensch Moritz Bliebtreu. He is only comparable to the other ubermensch Shahrukh Khan.

All these men had an outer softer personality. Not all of them were good. John Mayer was literally a groomer. There are issues regarding Ricky Martin as well. But back then I didn’t know all these, and these men were the one I was obviously in love with.

I don’t really have crushes. I don’t have love at first sight. I don’t understand why people put so much weight on sex. I mean sex is fun and all, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with everyone. I just wanna watch them from their side as they go about their lives. I remember feeling that way for only one cis het woman so far. And she was nice about it. I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with her, but I did call it a crush. That was again in 2019.

Going T4T is the best thing I have decided for myself so far. I feel seen. I don’t have to hide. And I get to love a twinkcore gayboy everyday. To be honest, I didn’t even realised I liked gayboys. He did. He told me so. And upon reflecting on his words, I realise yeah, the patterns are all there. I like gayboys. I think they’re neat. I think they’re fun. I am in love with one and I think he is the best.