My friend is moving forward after a traumatic breakup and I'm here making it about myself. This is unfiltered and an expression of my rawest emotions and yes they're not very empathetic but that's the point of this space
A little bit of context. I met both of them through social media, separately and instantly connected with them both. They're both intelligent, interesting people and they both came across as empathetic (one more than other) people trying to make the best of a shitty situation (living amongst cishets yuck). Oh I loved them both so much it physically hurt. They were my first signs of adult friendships, a field I've failed at spectacularly for most of the time before this.
Things escalated quickly after that. My friend told me they like my other friend and for the first time, things started to fall into place. I never had healthy romantic relationships to look up to, so I modelled mine after theirs. Imitation is the best form of flattery, after all. My ex left but my friends were happy and I was hopeful that the next time, I'll do it better.
After a few months, I met my partner and forgot all about modelling my relationship after my friends' because my partner knows healthy relationships. He's always known them.
My friends got engaged. I was so over the moon with happiness, I cried. I mean it's not a big deal, I cry about everything but I was so happy for them. Both of them have had lives of varying levels of difficulty and this felt like the relief they needed. This probably seems a little weird but it had been a while since I'd known them at this point and I started to think of them as my family. Like they're my blood and flesh.
And it all changed. With one phone call. I wanted to scream at the one who broke up. I wanted to tell him he took away my family. He broke my trust in people. Oh I loved him so! My friend who will never hurt anyone knowingly, my friend who protects everyone like his own. He's lost and I'm angry about it. I didn't want to lose him. I needed him to stay the same.
Worst of all, he proved nothing is constant. My whole worldview is shattered. All my life through every up and down I always tried to believe that people are inherently nice. My partner once asked me how come I wanted to live with him even though all my experiences sharing a living space with someone has been so horrible. I told him it's because not everyone is the same and everyone can find it in themselves to be a little nicer. I guess the opposite is true too. I don't know how to go on with that. I don't know how to live everyday knowing that people are not driven by morality but by needs and wants. All my life I have believed people will rise to the occasion if needed. That we'll always do the right thing if offered the choice. My friend having to move forward after this is proof that I was wrong. I do not like being wrong.