Kalpurush

She is a hint of green in a sea of blue She sees cracks on the glass as spider webs She has headphones on, not to drown the silence outside, but the loudness inside And her hand shakes every time the housefly lands on the cup of coffee sitting in front of her Long forgotten Gone cold

There are four cars outside the cafe window Parked in a neat row Their blinkers are on As if they're about to take a turn when the signal goes green Except there is no signal And there is not turn. The road on goes straight ahead And at the end stands black fur and yellow eyes Yellow eyes that feel like dual muzzles of an air rifle Pointed right towards her forehead No aim, no goal, just the suspense Till the trigger is pulled She finds herself not wanting to fight it She has seen people fight But she's not a fighter, no matter how much everyone tells her that she is She doubts herself every hour of every day She doubts all her relationships except that with her brother That one, she doubts the next day

She wishes people would just tell her That how truly alone she was That no one really cares about her She wishes people wouldn't lie about liking her There's nothing to like about her She has given it all away, has let it perish There's nothing left within that rusted ribcage of hers which is missing the last two floating bones Her insides are broken, battered, bruised And she wishes there was someone to whom she could show it all Open up and fall apart and break in their arms Only for them to pick her right up along with all her pieces She wishes she was not alone But she doesn't want to be not alone She wants to live, not die And she wants to be sure if the trigger will be pulled at some point after all She wants to be sure that she isn't the one pulling it She doesn't want to kill herself She wants to live As long as someone else wants her to as well, until her time is up And she wants to try her best till then.

She thinks of a climax, the last scene in her very own play And she wants to say goodbye to only her brother He's the first one that comes to her mind, And then she imagines her loved ones looking at her corpse long after the trigger is pulled Long after she was unable to say her goodbyes She wants to cry at the fallacy of it all But there are no tears left to shed So she drinks her coffee instead And drowns her worries in it And pretends that the cars outside the window aren't about to make a u-turn away from her life

She finds a string, and pulls And she holds onto that tightened string She doesn't want to let go But she wishes the string would snap on its own Letting her freefall.